Beautiful Disaster
by Madison Grace
Summary: A Jonas Brothers Love Triangle. Sorry, I'm horrible at summaries. Just check it out inside.
1. Introduction

**Beautiful Disaster**: -----**Intro**------ He stood there just staring at me. It was like he was trying to tear my guard down with his 

eyes. He moved closer. My breathing became unsteady and my heart stopped. But I knew, _we knew_, we couldn't do this. It 

wasn't right. But that's what made it so intriguing. And that's exactly why we were gonna do it... 


	2. Six Minutes

... But first, I need to start at the beginning where it all started. It was the summer of 2008. My first summer living in New York City with my brother Ayden. I had just moved here at the end of January because of a few reasons. One being behavioral problems. The others, being the sources for them. Anyway, I managed to meet some people (and even make one of them my boyfriend) that weren't exactly the greatest influence on me, but overall I wasn't _that_ affected by them. So these people I'll call my friends are the partly to blame for what happened that night. And I'm not sure whether to thank them or hurt them. It was the last day of school and one of my friends, Alessa, had the idea of sneaking into some club. Most of us, not including me, agreed to this. I had a record of bad choices. I didn't need to add to it.

"Come on Makenzie, have a little fun." Derek, my boyfriend, pressed.

"Yeah, it'll be awesome!" Riley said as her blonde hair flipped around.

I sighed, defeated. "Fine." I grumbled. Derek wrapped one arm around my shoulder.

"That's my girl." he smiled and he kissed my cheek.

So here I was on a Friday night, trying to sneak into a club that had some sort of foreign name I couldn't even pronounce. We were standing outside, and it was surprisingly cold for June. I shivered in my (actually Riley's) miniskirt and a purple tank top. Riley did the same in her extremely miniskirt and bright yellow halter. Alessa wasn't cold at all because she was smart enough to wear pants. It bothered me a little when Riley got to wear Jacob's, her "boyfriend", coat without even asking, but Derek wouldn't even bother paying attention to me. We got in very easily thanks to Riley being gorgeous and willing to do just about _anything_ to get what she wanted. Fortunately, all she had to do was put her hand on the big, tall bouncer and give him that look. Just like that, he caved. Good thing Jacob didn't mind. This club looked exactly like I thought it would. Bright neon lights and loud remixes of music that _were _good before they did anything to them. There was a bar with a few people sitting at the stools. Young guys tried picking up even younger girls. Older women tried picking up young guys. People stumbling out drunk. People stumbling in general. Tons of people bumping and grinding all over the place. To tell you the truth, this place made me uncomfortable.

"Doesn't anyone know how to dance _not_ touching each other?" I asked to nobody in particular, yelling over the loud music.

"Who cares? They're having fun." Riley said as she grabbed Jacob's arm. "Come on, let's go dance!" She had to drag him onto the dance floor, but the second she started dancing; he was into it.

Derek grabbed my wrist to get my attention and turned me so I was facing him. His blue eyes looked at mine for a few seconds before he spoke. But I knew exactly what he was thinking.

"Are you serious?" I said, disgusted. "Is that _all_ you can think about?" I ripped my arm from his grasp and he stepped back for a second before moving closer.

"Come on. I've been waiting for so long. It's not even that big a deal." he tried reasoning with me.

I rolled my eyes. "_Sex_ isn't a big deal?! What the hell Derek? You are such a typical male stereotype for this right now you know?"

"Riley and Jacob are doing it!"

"Riley and Jacob are friends with benefits!"

"So?"

"So did you think that meant health benefits?"

I yelled. "We are in a _relationship_. No booty calls or one night stands with random strangers!"

"You know what? Fine then. I quit." he said, raising his hands in surrender.

"Quit what?" I asked sharply.

"This. Us. I'm done. You're not giving me anything."

I laughed at this comment, but kept my remark inside. "Fine." I said. He stormed off and I felt like punching a wall. Alessa tapped me on the shoulder, startling me.

"Again." It wasn't a question. "When will you two figure out that this whole on-off thing is not good for either of you?"

"I'm not doing it again." She looked at me unconvinced. "I'm not." I said assertively.

"Whatever you say..." I got annoyed by her questioning how I felt and I went over to the bar. Some forty-something offered to buy me a shot. I accepted, only because I really needed one. I downed it right away, the vodka burning a little as it went down. I had forgotten how bad that stung. He bought me one more, but after that I refused. I was already feeling clumsy. I had no clue where everyone else had disappeared to. I wasn't very well coordinated in the first place, but with the vodka, I might as well have been wearing skates. I walked out the back door, sick of being here, when I tripped on one of the stairs on the way out. I landed directly on both my knees. Automatically, I felt dizzy and lightheaded. Everything seemed distorted, but I could hear someone ask me if I was alright right before I hit the ground...


	3. All At Once

It felt like I'd only been out for a couple of minutes, but when I woke up, I knew it had been longer. I wasn't at the back of the

club anymore, but in some fancy hotel laying on a couch. How long had I been out? Who carried me here? My eyes were

barely open and my head was throbbing. I must've hit it on the way down. I started to sit up until I saw three guys in the

other room talking. I began freaking out, thinking they had kidnapped me, but as I heard them talking and _really_ looked at

them, I knew they weren't like that. Instead, I managed to get up without falling and snuck to the doorway to eavesdrop on

their conversation.

"I can't believe you brought home some girl that you found at the back of the club _passed out_." One of them said. He looked

like the oldest and he had curly hair. He looked at one of the other boys with disapproval.

"She wasn't passed out when I found her. She was on the _verge_ of passing out. I wasn't gonna leave her there for some

serial killer to find her! And the hotel was right across the street."

"Kevin, he's got a point there." The third piped up. Kevin ignored him.

"Why are you always doing stuff like this Joe?"

"What does that mean?" Joe, the guy that brought me here, asked, insulted.

"It means you're always doing stupid things! How do you know _she_ isn't a serial killer?"

"Does she really seem like the type?"

"I wouldn't know. She's passed out for _some_ reason."

"Guys." the third one with the head of crazy curls said. He pointed to where I was standing. Both Joe and Kevin looked over

my way. Joe smiled softly and Kevin had an embarrassed look on his face, probably because of what he said about me. I was

too scared to move out of my corner, but they all came into where I was. Still confused about what was happening, I

searched for words. "I'm lost." I managed to say and I felt extremely silly after I said it. All three boys just smiled at me. Even

the one that thought I was a killer. Joe directed me to the couch and sat down next to me. Even though I had no clue who

they were, I felt...comfortable around them.

"You passed out." Joe said simply.

"Yeah, I know that." I guess I lost my sarcasm when I fainted.

He laughed at me softly. "Yeah well, I took you back here."

"Way to explain Joe." Kevin said.

"What? It explains enough."

Quickly, before they started again I said. "Who are you exactly?" They all laughed at this like I should already know. They _did_

seem familiar somehow...but I shook it off.

"Well I'm Joe. The cute one." he said with a cocky grin on his face. I couldn't help but laugh at him a little.

"I'm Nick." The curly haired one said.

"He's a stud muffin." Joe whispered to me, being silly.

"I'm Kevin." The last one, the oldest, said. "Sorry about calling you a serial killer." he said sincerely.

"Don't worry about it." I said. "I get it all the time."

"So why'd you pass out at that club?" Joe asked directly.

"Joe!" Kevin said warningly.

"What? You were the one saying she was a killer." Kevin shrunk back guiltily. "I'm just asking what everyone wants to know."

All three looked over at me, waiting for an answer. I'm sure I was blushing with all these cute boys looking at me. Having one

of them right next to me looking at me with those gorgeous brown eyes wasn't helping me compose my words very well.

"Uh, well I tripped -" Kevin interrupted me.

"Joe does that a lot." he stated. Joe shot him a look and I continued talking.

"- And I landed on my knees. Whenever I hurt my knees, I faint."

"Really?" Joe asked. I could tell he thought that was strange by his tone.

"Yeah, I don't know why. I've always been that way. Weird, I know."

"Huh." he said quietly, then he asked me another question. "Why were you coming out the back way?"

"Geez Joe, give her a break. She just woke up." Nick said. He was now the farthest away from me, because Kevin plopped

right down on the other side of me. Instead, he stood against the wall, giving me space. I appreciated that.

"I'm just curious." Joe said innocently.

I answered with a quick, "I didn't want to be there anymore." and I braced myself for another question from Joe. Normally, I

hated questionings, especially the ones I got from people at school asking about my past. But Joe's questions were pretty

simple...so far. To my surprise, Joe didn't ask me a question, but Kevin did.

"Why?" he asked, with what seemed like a trace of concern in his voice, like he thought I might've been hurt or something. I

told myself that was crazy since he didn't even know me. Why would he care?

"I didn't want to be there in the first place." I said. "Actually, I snuck in." I admitted.

"I thought so. You don't look 21." Kevin said.

"Try 17." I said.

"Huh." Joe repeated. "Why'd you sneak in if you didn't wanna go in the first place."

"My friends." I said simply. It was quiet for a minute and when someone's cell phone went off, we were all a little startled.

"It's me." Joe said, pulling his iPhone out of his pocket and walking into the other room. Nick and Kevin both looked at

eachother with the same look of annoyance as they mouthed, "Sarah." Once again, I was confused.

"Who?" I whispered.

"Just Joe's girlfriend." Nick said, not so pleasantly.

"She's a crazy fan Joe likes. For some reason." Kevin added.

"Huh." I said, copying Joe. For a split second, a little jealousy

wave crashed through me, but I tried to ignore it. I mean, I just met him a few minutes ago. I couldn't possibly like him. At all.

Whatsoever. Right?


	4. The Life

I denied every and any feeling I had towards Joe in my body at that moment. Hate. Like. Anything. I wasn't getting attached to him. Or any of these boys for that matter. I already liked them and I'd only been hanging out with them for less than an hour. It'd be heartbreak to have to lose any of them like I had anyone else I was close to...I wouldn't be able to handle it. I must've been really out of it, because Kevin started to shake me.

"Hey. Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah. I'm fine." I said quietly. "Were you saying something?"

"I was just talking about Sarah. How she isn't actually a fan. More like a person who likes fame."

"Oh." Right then I realized something wrong in that sentence. The same thing that was wrong with the other one. "Did you say _fan_?" I asked, completely perplexed.

"Oh, right you don't know who we are." Nick said, and he sounded almost as confused as I was when he said it.

"That would explain why you weren't shrieking or hyperventilating." Kevin said. "We're famous."

"Okay.." I said trailing off. "For what exactly?"

Kevin laughed at the tone of my voice and his laugh was just so...I couldn't even describe it.

"We're a band." he said, traces of his laughter still in his voice.

"Like a boy band?"

"Like a band of brothers." he said.

"Oh! You're brothers. In a band. Together." I let it soak in for a second. "Don't you wanna kill each other with all the time you spend together?" I know if I was in a band with Ayden, we'd kill each other in no time.

"Actually, we already have. We're a ghost band." came a voice from the other room. Joe walked in, confidently placing himself next to me on the couch again with a bowl of popcorn in his hand. Kevin rolled his eyes.

"No, we get along. _mostly_ anyway." he said, eyeing Joe. "So what did Sarah want?" he asked Joe.

"Tomorrow night we're going to some party with people she's meeting with to get a movie deal." he said, putting a handful of popcorn in his mouth. "This couh be heh big breah."

"Could you swallow before you talk next time?" Kevin asked, disgusted by his brother's rudeness. Joe just stuck his tongue out at him. A phone rang again, only this time it was mine. I hesitated as to whether or not I should answer.

"Go ahead." Nick said, gesturing to a door. "You can talk in the bathroom if you want privacy."

"Thanks." I said and I headed into the bathroom. Looking at the I.D it said: Riley. Sighing in relief that it _wasn't _Derek, I answered. "Hello?"

"Hey! Where'd you go?"

"I left. Derek was being an ass."

"Yeah, I heard. He's such a jerk. You know, I saw him making out with some skank when I left?"

"Thanks Riley. You really know how to make me feel better." I said sarcastically. "I just thought you should know. Where are you?" "Some guys' hotel." I said, immediately regretting my choice of words.

"You go girl! Moving on, I'm proud of you!" I knew she'd take it the wrong way.

"No Riley, I'm not here for _that_. I sort of passed out when I left and the guy brought me here. Now I'm hanging out with him and his brothers."

"Cool. What are their names?" She didn't actually sound remotely interested, but I told her anyway.

"Joe, Kevin, and Nick."

"_JONAS?!_" She exclaimed through her phone.

"I don't know. They're in a band." I said plainly.

"_THE JONAS BROTHERS?!_"she exclaimed again.

"Yeah, I guess."

"Oh my gosh! You are with the Jonas Brothers! Lucky!"

"Come on Riley. They're just normal guys." I tried to convince her. It didn't work out so well.

"Normal guys who are hot, incredibly talented, and famous!"

"Okay whatever. I gotta go."

"Alright, but what about Ayden?"

Shoot. "Tell him I'm at your house."

I looked at my watch. 12:45 A.M. Wow. Had it been that long?

"'Kay. But you gotta get with one of those boys Makenzie."

"Goodbye Riley." I said, hanging up the phone. The thing with Riley was that she was always trying to get people together, which is how me and Derek came about actually. I wasn't gonna let her do this with them. I walked out of the bathroom and back to where the boys were. I sat on the couch, moving Joe's feet out of the way since he was sprawled out on it now, and Kevin was playing Guitar Hero. Nick wasn't even there anymore.

"So what's your name anyway?" Joe asked. Kevin put his game on pause. I forgot that they didn't know me. It felt like I'd known them forever.

"Makenzie."

"Cool name." Joe said, taking a gulp of Red Bull.

"So Makenzie..." Kevin started, "Wanna see me kick your butt at Guitar Hero?" He had a competitive grin on his face.

I smiled the same way back. "Bring it on."


	5. Addicted

"I can't believe you beat me." Kevin said in disbelief, sitting on a dining room-like chair.

"I can't believe you beat him." Joe said in the same tone, sitting in the chair.

"I can." I said confidently, sprawled out on the couch and putting my hands behind my head. Two hours of Guitar Hero and I beat Kevin every time. On expert for that matter.

"It's about time someone beat him. I was getting sick of him always winning." Nick said. He had returned from his hiding spot in their bedroom when we were playing.

"How did you get so good?" Joe asked me.

I shrugged. "My brother had it in his apartment, and since I had nothing better to do, I played it."

There was a short pause before Kevin spoke. "So you live with your brother then, I'm assuming."

"Yep." I said, popping the P. They didn't get any further into the subject and I was grateful. I didn't want to explain my life story to them. "So what's it like being famous?" I asked randomly. The silence was overbearing.

"It's hectic. But amazing." Kevin said.

"Totally." Both Joe and Nick agreed.

"Doesn't it get annoying having everyone know your business and spreading rumors though?"

"Yeah," Kevin started, "But then you remember the _awesome_ fans that love you and it's all good again."

I smiled at how..._not_ Hollywood they were. They weren't snobs or getting drunk and snorting cocaine. They were shockingly...normal. I glanced down at my watch and my eyes widened.

"Holy crap. It's 3 O'clock!"

"Wow, really?" Joe said.

I sighed. "Yeah, I gotta go. Maybe I'll catch you at a concert some time?" I asked.

"Sure thing, but it won't be for a while. We're on a break 'til August first." Joe said, sounding a bit disappointed. Kevin grabbed a piece of paper and wrote something down, handing it to me.

"Here. Call me and we can make plans to hang out again." he said, smiling.

"Okay." I smiled back quickly, but it faded into a small frown as I started to leave reluctantly. I didn't want to go. These boys felt more like home than anywhere else I'd ever been. I loved how I felt, but mostly I loved _who_ I felt like. I was me. And I liked that. Because I felt like this, I knew I wouldn't see them again. I lingered at the doorway longer than I should've, just glancing at them all once more. When I looked at Joe, our eyes locked and I panicked. I didn't know if I should look away or keep staring. Instead, I walked out, and didn't turn back, locking those feelings away again.

**JOE'S POINT OF VIEW:**

The second the door shut, Kevin let out a sigh. I looked at him strangely.

"What was that for?" I asked.

"Isn't she amazing?" he said in a daze. I rolled my eyes at him for acting like such a girl, but I had to admit that he was right. That girl really was something. Course, I had a girl already, so I couldn't exactly feel like that. I shook all I felt for Makenzie out of my mind and hoped they would be gone forever, but I couldn't stop thinking of right before she left when her eyes met mine.

"Dude, you're smitten with her already." Nick said, also rolling his eyes.

"Did you see the way she played Guitar Hero? Her confidence level was through the roof."

"I thought you thought she was a serial killer?" I pointed out.

"I was wrong okay?" he said defensively. Then his goofy smitten grin came back across his face. "Did you see her eyes? Gorgeous."

"Okay Kevin, that's enough." Nick said. I nodded in agreement to both the eyes and for Kevin to stop.

"I think I'm gonna ask her out." he said, ignoring what Nick said. A smidge of jealousy sizzled inside me, but I continued to act like I could care less. And I didn't care. Sort of.

"You do that Kevin." Nick said, half yawning. "Night guys." Then he left.

"I'm glad Nick's not interested at all. Then I won't have to fight him for her."

"What about me?" I asked, insulted he forgot about me.

"You _have_ a girlfriend. Sarah, the wicked witch from Manhattan, remember?"

"Oh right." I said, kicking myself for letting what I said before slip. I prayed he wouldn't think anything of it.

"You don't like her do you?" he asked suspiciously.

"No!" I said way to defensively.

"Good." he said, not noticing my over the top no. "I'd hate to have my brother like the girl that I want to be my girlfriend. How weird would that be?" He sort of laughed when he said it. I grinned not so easily.

"Yep, that'd be kind of awkward." I said. He left to go to sleep and my face turned from happy to worried when I thought about how I really felt.

And it wasn't looking so good.


	6. Can't Take It

It'd only been five days since I'd seen any of those boys, but it felt like an eternity. I was a bit nervous to call Kevin, afraid I might seem desperate for them or something, so I waited a while before I called them. Then on July 4th, I couldn't take it anymore, and I called. Kevin seemed very enthused that I had called, being very friendly, and it confused me a little. His happiness was, to me anyway, unexplainable. When he told me I could come with them to a charity Fourth Of July Carnival, I almost flipped. I think I was _way_ too attached to them. Okay, maybe my main reason for being so jubilant was so I could see Joe, but I couldn't _possibly_ like him that much already...

...but then again, as that saying goes, you always want what you know you can't have. I was the perfect example for that with anything in my life. And usually when I got it, I didn't want it anymore. Go figure.

So anyway, I told Kevin the address to my apartment and he told me when they were picking me up. I grimaced a little when he said Sarah was coming. He told me that I could just hang out with him and stay away from Joe, then I wouldn't have to deal with her. I sighed, since Joe was really the reason I wanted to go, as much as I denied it. But Kevin was a nice enough guy, I repeated in my head a thousand times. And Nick, too. There was no reason for me not to like either of those boys like I did Joe. In fact, I couldn't think of one good reason why I should like Joe. Every time I did, I just had to remind myself of his girlfriend, _and_ my bad luck with relationships.

I took a shower, got dressed, did my hair, and looked at the clock. I groaned when I saw the glowing red 5:35 P.M. I still had almost two hours left to kill. Being very anxious, I cleaned Ayden's filthy apartment. Then I played Guitar Hero for a while. I looked at the clock again and it read: 6:45 P.M. I picked up my cell phone off the counter and dialed Riley's number. She'd be able to keep me preoccupied.

One ring.

Two rings.

Three rings.

Four rings.

"Hello?" said Riley's perky voice.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Oh hey Kenzie! What's up?" she asked, and I could tell by her tone she thought I had gossip.

"Nothing. I was hoping you had something to say." But my eager tone didn't fool her, as much as I tried to disguise it.

"What are you doing tonight?" she asked suspiciously.

"Nothing much." I lied.

"You're a terrible liar. Even over the phone when I can't see your face." she stated.

I had to agree. "Well, I _am_ hanging out with those guys I told you about a couple days ago..."

There was a short pause and I thought she might've hung up the phone accidentally like she always does, but then an ear splitting scream roared in my ear. I almost dropped my phone.

"Ow!"

"Oh my gosh! Are you serious?! Where?! When?!" she shouted.

"Tonight at that charity carnival." I wasn't so sure I should tell her; Maybe she'd sneak in or something. She breathed in and out deeply for a second, trying to calm herself down.

"You have _got_ to tell me everything." she said as calmly as she could.

"I doubt much is gonna happen, but I'll tell you whatever _does_." I said, almost glumly.

"Something's gonna happen. Don't you worry." she said, like she was some wise old woman telling my fortune. I rolled my eyes even though she couldn't see and laughed at her ridiculous prediction.

"Oh yeah, I'm sure." I said sarcastically.

"Trust me. Something will happen because I said it would. Simple as that."

"That is totally, utterly, and extremely illogical."

But I gave up my argument, knowing Riley wouldn't give up.

"Good luck." Riley said.

"With what?" I asked, confused.

"You'll see soon enough." she said, hanging up the phone. I hung up and thought about what she had said. Or more importantly, how she had said it. This 'Good luck' wasn't a good-luck-at-your-game-tonight thing, it was more like good-luck-with-finding-your-keys-at-the-bottom-of-the-lake kinda thing. Not exactly good. I know it's crazy for me to believe her, and she really had no idea what she was talking about at all. But I still worried about what not so good circumstances were about to come my way.


	7. Snake Devil

I practically jumped out the window when I saw them pull up in the car, but when they knocked on the door, I acted as casually as I could so they wouldn't notice my eagerness. Kevin was all smiles, which was sort of weirding me out a bit (Could someone really be that happy?), Nick smiled slightly when he said hi and Joe didn't do anything except stare at his feet when he said hi. I assumed it had something to do with the girl dressed in Prada standing next to him.

I guess the devil really _does_ wear Prada.

It was kind of an awkward drive there. Kevin drove, Nick calling shotgun, leaving me to sit in-between Joe and Sarah. I don't even understand how I got in the middle of that, and I was afraid Sarah would kill me if she so much as saw me look at Joe's feet, so I stared straight ahead the whole time.

Kevin would glance at his mirror every so often and quietly laughed. It probably did look pretty amusing.

We pulled up to the charity carnival, and the bright lights from the rides were hard to see since the sun hadn't quite gone down yet. But I knew when it did, it'd look brilliant. Nick went off to do his own thing, and Kevin and Joe were pulled away by some girls that wanted their picture with them. That left me with Sarah.

Oh, what fun.

Sarah cocked one perfect red eyebrow when she looked at me, examining my white capris and green t-shirt. I know it was simple, especially as opposed to her heels and cocktail dress, but it was a _FLIPPING CARNIVAL! _What was I supposed to wear? An evening gown?

Then she said warningly, "Don't. Even. Think it."

I raised my not so perfect eyebrows in confusion, trying to fight back sarcasm with every once of self restraint I had.

"How'd you know I was thinking about you being the witch from the Wizard Of Oz. You know, the one that got that house dropped on her?" I was weak.

She sneered. "I _meant_ getting with Joe. He's mine."

"Did you buy him on sale?" I sneered back.

She just gave me a look.

"If he's yours, then you have nothing to worry about." I said flatly. "God forbid, he'd lose a treasure like you." I mumbled, but I don't think she heard that.

Joe and Kevin returned and Joe wearily made his way back to Sarah. I didn't understand why he was with her. It was so obvious she made him miserable. Is that what he wanted in a girl?

"Hey Sarah, why don't we go on the Tilt-A-Whirl? Actually, why don't we all go?" He smirked a little, but I didn't think he meant anyone to see it.

"Are you serious? I don't do rides, Joe. You _know_ that."

"I thought you might've had a change of heart." Joe said, returning to being miserable.

"It's hard to change your heart if you don't have one." I whispered to Kevin. He tried not to laugh and Sarah glared at him evilly.

"What about you Kevin?" I asked him, with an almost conniving grin on my face. "Do you wanna go?"

"Yeah," he smiled widely. "Absolutely!" His smile didn't creep me out this time, and I smiled back at him. It was hard not to; Almost like it was contagious. I don't know why I had asked Kevin on the ride, really. Maybe it was some lame attempt to make Joe jealous. Or maybe it was just a random impulse. But either way, Kevin was, somehow, starting to win me over.


	8. Goodnight And Goodbye

I was having so much fun with Kevin, riding the rides, talking about anything, just having _fun_, and I had _almost_ not thought about Joe. Every once in a while, I'd glance over to where he and Sarah were, and wondered how his night was going with the devil herself...

**JOE'S POINT OF VIEW**

I can't believe I didn't realize just how horrible Sarah was, until I met Makenzie. It was almost like, and I know exactly how corny and lame this is gonna sound, I was blind before I saw her.

Too bad Kevin felt the same way.

Too bad Makenzie felt the same way for _him_.

Too bad I'm stuck with a bitter witch.

I looked over at Kevin and Makenzie a lot more than I should've; if Sarah had caught me, I'd be dead. She looked so happy. He looked so happy. So why couldn't I just be happy for them?

I felt terrible that I wanted _her_ to be with _me_, because that would make Kevin miserable. It made me feel guilty wishing that on my brother. But every time I looked at her, I didn't care anymore. All I cared about was me getting her. I know how selfish that sounds...

"Joe!" Sarah yelled in my ear, as I snapped back into my hellish reality with her.

"What?" I asked, still a little dazed.

"I said, let's go meet those agents." she said, annoyance oozing from her cold voice.

I moaned. "Do we have to? Can't we just have fun?" I begged.

"I'd _rather_ have an acting deal." she snarled.

"Well I'd _rather_ be on some rides, but I guess we can't have _everything_ can we?"

I wasn't going to mention the other thing I'd rather have...

"Do it or I'm breaking up with you." she warned. I looked over at Makenzie, who was eating cotton candy with Kevin. Once again, that selfish feeling came over me.

"Good!" I practically screamed. Her face turned from stern to shocked to I'm going to kill you if you said what I think you said.

"Excuse me?" she said snottily.

"I said that I don't wanna be with you anymore!" This time I screamed.

"But my acting -" she started, but I cut her off, having a sudden epiphany.

"You only want me for my connections!" I screamed. Some people started staring at us both.

"You only wanted someone to give you attention!" she retorted.

"Well, it certainly wasn't your wonderful personality that I wanted." I sneered. "I don't know what I wanted from you to tell you the truth."

"I guess it's a good thing we're done then!" she yelled, stomping away.

"Yeah! Praise the lord!" I said, imitating Gospel church singer. I ran off in the opposite direction, but not before catching the stare from two big intense brown eyes; Makenzie's.

**MAKENZIE'S POINT OF VIEW**

Witnessing Sarah and Joe's breakup made me feel a lot of different emotions at the same time:

Laughter at the looks they were getting.

Sympathy for the world's most public breakup ever.

Overjoyed for knowing I'd never see Sarah again.

Happiness for them not being together anymore...

...and scared that they weren't together anymore.

I was scared because now Joe could talk to me, and I could talk to him, without Sarah being an issue. That would just make it that much harder to not like him anymore. But Kevin was really, truly sweet. I could tell he liked me; he wasn't too shy about showing it when we were hanging out tonight. It explained the obsessive smiling. And I liked him, too. Maybe not the way I liked Joe, but I figured I could learn to like him that way. Eventually. The real problem was the fact that Kevin didn't give me that tingling feeling in the pit of my stomach or make my heart beat so fast I'm afraid it'll end up jumping out of my throat, and when he looked at me, I could look away so easily.

Unlike with Joe.

And it was another one of those eye locking moments between us, when he was storming out, that it happened. I looked at his eyes, and I knew exactly what he was feeling. And I knew what he felt was only going to make things even messier, more confusing, and not to mention, more complicated.


	9. Won't Stop

I played off my looking at Joe carefully, so Kevin wouldn't notice. Luckily, Kevin was too shocked at the scene to notice much else.

"Wow." he said, stunned. "I never thought he'd realize just how awful she was."

"I can't believe he _couldn't_ see that."

Kevin nodded in agreement. "That's Joe for you."

I wanted to ask him what he meant by that, but he was already onto something else. "You wanna go down there?" he asked, pointing to a beach-like scene. "There gonna have fireworks going on soon."

"Okay." I agreed. We started walking down, but Kevin stopped suddenly, causing me to stop suddenly and almost fall over.

"What's wrong?" I asked. He pursed his lips.

"Sorry, I was thinking about something, and then I sort of stopped."

"Ah, I see. You can't think and walk." I teased, but worried he would take the wrong way.

"Guess not." he said, laughing a little. Apparently he didn't. We continued walking again, but I couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking of that made him stop dead in his tracks... When we got to where the fireworks were going to take place, Kevin plopped down onto the ground and lay on his back. He looked up at me.

"Come on down." he said, friendly. I smiled as I, carefully, lay myself next to him, putting my hands behind my head.

"When are the fireworks supposed to start?" I asked.

He looked at his watch. "Five minutes." We lay there for a few minutes in silence, looking up at the stars that were shining as brightly as they could.

"So.." I started.

"Yes?" Kevin asked, curiosity in is voice.

"What exactly _were_ you thinking about when you stopped?" Just then, the fireworks started, flashing their blues and reds. I'd never seen fireworks before. Weird, I know, but there were never any around where I was from, so seeing these dazzled me immensely.

Kevin laughed a little at my utter amazement.

"What? I've never seen fireworks before." I defended.

"Never?" he asked, shocked.

"Well, I did live in the middle of nowhere."

"Oh." was all he said. A grin spread across my face, and turned and saw it.

"What?"

"You never did answer my question." I said, still smiling connivingly.

"Oh. That." He said, not so happily. "It's a little embarrassing." he admitted.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to..." I said in a way that would guilt him into saying it.

He smiled shyly. "Well...it was sort of, kind of, a little bit, about you." he admitted.

"Oh?" I asked. It was supposed to sound curious, but it came out nervously.

"No," he started, "It was all about you actually." His face still showed embarrassment, and I had a feeling I was blushing a little. Course, if I hear _anyone_ has been talking about, thinking about me, or said my name for that matter, I blush.

"Okay..." I trailed off.

"Was it good? Or was it bad?"

"Good. I think, anyway." he said, trying to defend himself as quickly as possible. "I was just thinking about...about how much I liked you." He paused for a second, running through what he had just said in his head. "Man, that sounded really lame, I'm sorry."

"It's okay." I soothed him. "I say some pretty lame things myself." I smiled.

He smiled back. Every time he did that, I remembered why I liked him, too. And I (Almost) forgot about Joe. "

So, this is a little...strange." he finally said after a few moments of silence.

"Maybe a little, yeah." I admitted. "But you know something, I think I like you, too." Right after I said it, I regretted my choice for words, even though they were true. _Think_ wasn't exactly supposed to be in that sentence. "Wow, you're right, that _does_ sound lame."

He laughed musically. "It's okay. I say some pretty lame things too, sometimes." he said the same way I did. We watched the last of the fireworks in silence, though we were both smiling. His was happy and real. Mine, was trying to hide what I was thinking.

**KEVIN'S POINT OF VIEW **

I wasn't sure telling her I liked her was such a good idea...but she probably already knew anyway. Plus, I had to cover up for what I was _really _thinking about when I stopped. I wasn't _completely_ lying about why I did it. I _was _thinking about her and how much I liked her...but there was a little more to it than that. I saw how she looked at Joe, and I'll admit it made me worried. I was so preoccupied thinking about what it would be like if she ended up liking Joe instead of me, and I just stopped. I didn't want to lose her. She was too amazing; too different. I felt like we had a sort of connection. Especially tonight. I'd never quite clicked with someone so quickly before. Sure, it was a little scary, but I didn't care. She was well worth it. I looked over at her as she was smiling, her eyes sparkling just as bright as the fireworks. My stomach got that tingly feeling, you know, the feeling you get when you're around someone you really like.

"It's so amazing." she whispered, as she brought me back into reality.

"Yeah," I smiled, "It really is."


	10. Help!

I got the feeling that Kevin wasn't referring to the fireworks, and I'll admit I was sort of freaking out (in my head of course) when I heard it. I felt like he had already put me up on a pedestal, and I didn't deserve to be put up so high.

Every day for the past week, I hung out with Kevin, Nick, and to my dismay, Joe. Every day I worried Kevin was going to ask me out. Every day he surprised me when he didn't.

I'll admit, it did confuse me when he asked if I wanted to hang out with ALL of them, and not just him. Maybe he sensed that I needed to take it slow...tortoise slow.

Not that I didn't appreciate the fact that he was taking his time. I did.

But if I was going to spend one more day with him and Joe in the same room with me, I was going to lose it.

I had a hard enough time keeping what I felt for Joe under wraps. It wasn't helping that I saw him Every. Single. Day. Joe wasn't helping with the consistent staring.

My phone began to ring, and it surprised me, making me jump a little. I picked it up without even bothering to look at the caller I.D.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hey."

I laughed in disbelief. "Are you serious?" I asked sharply. "What makes you think you have the right to call?"

"I was just -"

"Save it." I said, hanging up quickly. "What a stupid -" The phone rang again.

"What?" I answered.

"Makenzie?" Kevin's voice rang through my ears. "What's wrong?"

"Sorry, I thought you were someone else." I apologized as sincerely as I could manage. "What's going on?"

"I thought we could hang out again today." He sounded like he was smiling.

"Oh yeah? With Nick and Joe?" I asked.

"Well..." he started, "I was hoping we could actually go out without them."

"Really?" I said, shocked.

He laughed a little. "Yep. If that's okay with you."

"Definitely." I said, but I didn't sound as enthused as I wanted to. "Where?"

"I was thinking we could catch a movie and maybe eat something. "

"Sounds great."

"Okay, then I'll pick you up around sevenish?" I could tell he was containing his excitement because of how held back his voice seemed.

"Okay. See you then."

"Alright, bye." he said and he hung up the phone. I smiled as I hung up mine, almost forgetting about the previous phone call. My fists curled angrily as I tried to restrain myself from punching a wall.

"Hey." Ayden said, coming out from his bedroom. His blonde hair looked like he had just rolled out of bed. Then I realized he _had_ just rolled out of bed.

"You just got up?" I asked.

"Yeah." he said, like it was no big deal.

"It's 6 O'clock!"

"So?" I rolled my eyes at him.

"What kind of guardian are you?" I asked. "I'm the teenager, shouldn't I be partying all night and sleeping in 'til six?"

"I think you _had _your fair share of parties Makkie."

"Don't call me that. You know it bugs me." I said, biting my tongue so I wouldn't stick it out at him.

"Whatever." he said, heading to the fridge to find something to eat. He opened it up and realized we had nothing in there.

"Good luck with finding food."

"How long has it been like this?" he said, opening every single cupboard.

I shrugged. "A few days, I guess."

"Wow. I guess I'd better get _something_ huh?"

"Whatever, I haven't been eating here anyway."

He raised one eyebrow curiously. "Where _have_ you been?"

"Just hanging out with some people." I stated simply.

"And what are you doing with these people?"

I rolled my eyes. "Cocaine and Jell-O shots."

"It wouldn't shock me." he said, not being very kind.

"Ha ha." I said sarcastically. "Go out and get some food." I said, changing the subject.

"What have you been doing?" he asked me, concerned.

"Nothing okay. At least, nothing illegal." I defended myself.

He shrugged. "Okay, I believe you, but if I find out you're slipping back into your old ways I'll -"

I cut in. "I know. And I won't."

"Okay." he repeated. He grabbed his keys. "You need anything?"

I could've said a thousand different sarcastic remarks, but I kept them to myself. "Nope, I'm fine."

He walked out the door.

Once again, I was alone. It wasn't something I was very good at, which is why I was always in meaningless relationships in the past. The same ones that got me in a lot of trouble.

To get back to the present, I took a shower put my brown hair up in a messy bun. Then I chose a pair of jeans and a light blue long sleeved shirt.

I was putting on my last shoe when Kevin knocked on the door.

"Hey!" I said enthusiastically. He didn't look quite so enthused. "What's going on?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows in confusion.

"Uh..." he trailed off.

"What?" I asked anxiously.

"Is it okay if we double?"

"With who?" I asked suspiciously.

He hesitated. "Joe and Sarah."

"I thought they broke up?" I think my tone sounded more like jealously than surprise, by the look on Kevin's face.

"They're back together again."

"Why do we have to double with them?"

"'Cause they're sort of already in the car." he admitted.

"What?"

"Sorry." he quickly apologized. "It's just that...Sarah is scary."

"She threatened you." It wasn't a question.

He nodded, embarrassed. "When I told them I was going out with you, Sarah said we had to double. Did you say something to make her angry?"

"Uh.." I hesitated. "Would calling her a witch qualify?" I asked, guilty.

"She's just trying to make it miserable for us. She doesn't exactly adore me either."

"Well, I guess we should just get this over with then." I sighed.

"Yeah," he started, "Think of it this way, it'll be a night you won't forget." he said, trying to lighten up the mood...

...and man, how right he would be.


	11. Dare You To Move

The second I got into the car (Front seat this time), I pretended Sarah and Joe weren't even there.

Sarah wasn't going to be so kind.

"Hey Melanie." she sneered.

"Makenzie." I corrected her, but I'm sure it was on purpose anyway.

"Hm." was all she said. She was obviously hoping for a quirky comeback. She wasn't getting anything out of me tonight if I could help it.  
"So where do you wanna go?" Kevin asked us as he climbed into the driver's seat. He alternated looks at all three of us as he waited for an answer.

Sarah answered before anyone else. "That new French restaurant." she ordered. She eyed my outfit as she spoke and a smile twitched in the corner of her mouth.

"I'm not exactly dressed for a French restaurant." I said.

"More like McDonalds." Sarah said, raising her eyebrows.

"None of us are exactly dressed for that Sarah." Joe spoke up.

She shot him a look that perfectly fit the phrase, 'If looks could kill'...but I couldn't help but smile at the fact that Joe wasn't scared of her. Especially not as much as he was at the carnival.

But one question stayed in the back of my mind. Why was he back with her again?

Kevin elbowed me slightly. "Hey, you okay?" he asked. People seemed to be asking me this a lot.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I was just lost in thought, I guess."

Sarah scoffed and I ignored it. I had to repeat to myself, over and over again in my head, 'Don't let her get to you'. Easier said than done.  
"Why don't we just go some place a little more casual. You know, like a pizza place or something." Kevin suggested.

"I like that idea." I commented.

"I second that." Joe said.

"No." Sarah said sternly. "I'll look ridiculous." I had to hold back my fit of laughter and the millions of comebacks I had for that statement. Picturing Sarah in a Vera Wang dress and stilettos in some old pizza parlor was just too funny. Then again, seeing Kevin, Joe, and me in jeans and plain shirts in some fancy restaurant was pretty funny too.

"Sarah." Joe said in an odd tone and his face looked just as odd. Almost like they had some sort of unspoken agreement.

"Fine." she said reluctantly. "But we're seeing the movie first." she demanded.

"Is everyone cool with that?" Joe asked warily. Kevin and I nodded and we started off to the movie theater.

When we got there, we had a debate on what movie we should see. Actually, it was more of an all-out war.

"I'm _not_ watching some stupid Jim Carrey movie!" Sarah screamed.

"I'm not watching some stupid sappy chick flick!" Joe yelled back. The looks they were getting from the people passing by were priceless.  
Kevin rubbed his temples. "I know how you feel." I said.

"Ugh!" he said in aggravation. "Stop it!" he yelled over Joe and Sarah's loud voices. They both stopped and looked at Kevin who was trying not to explode.

"Makenzie, pick a movie." he said through gritted teeth.

"Why does she-" Sarah started.

"Because she isn't yelling her head off." he told her. She just pouted and Kevin turned to look at me.

"How about something like a romantic comedy, so it's like a compromise." I don't think Sarah had ever heard the word 'compromise' before by the look she was giving me.

All of us agreed, and we headed into the theater. The floors were sticky, even though that was no shocker, but Sarah's stiletto got stuck on the floor. She wound up having to take it off and hop to her seat as the movie theater attendants scraped it off the floor. I love karma.  
But I wasn't loving the seating arrangement: Sarah, Joe, Me, and Kevin.

Talk about awkward.

Joe would look over at me every once in a while and smile ever so slightly. I pretended not to notice. The theater was cold, but I was sweating. Kevin went to grab my hand that was leaning on the armrest, and I let him take it. He smiled, and I smiled back. Joe looked down and saw it, but all he did was smile slyly. My smile turned into an annoyed scowl. He noticed and smiled wider.

When the movie finally ended, we all went to get pizza. Sarah complained the whole way about everything under the universe. I didn't know there were people that were that cynical.

We walked into the pizza place (Geo's to be exact) and found a booth to sit at. Kevin and I sat on the opposite of Joe and Sarah. Joe would kick my foot sometimes and I'd shoot him warning glances. Sarah did nothing but go to the bathroom every two minutes and pout as she looked out the window.

I tried so hard to pay attention to what Kevin was saying, but Joe would look at me and I'd screw up my words.  
Kevin tried hard to act like Joe and Sarah weren't there. He'd lean in and whisper in my ear when he talked to me, and he wouldn't so much as glance at their side of the table.

I wish I could ignore them so easily.

As Sarah made her way to the bathroom again, Kevin asked the question that was burning me up inside.

"Why are you with her again?" he asked.

Joe looked over at me and back at Kevin. "Sometimes to get what you want, you've gotta go through a little torture." he said vaguely.

"What could Sarah possibly have that you would want?"

"I didn't say she has it." Kevin was still extremely confused, but I think I knew exactly what he was referring to.

"Well, I'm gonna pull a Sarah, if you'd excuse me." Then Kevin left.

Joe and me alone.

Can you say 'trouble'?

"Hey." he said sheepishly.

"Don't you dare."

"Don't I dare what?" he asked innocently.

"You know what. I like Kevin, stop flirting with me." It wasn't a total lie. I did want him to stop flirting with me because I _wanted_ to like Kevin.  
He didn't seem to buy it. "You are a terrible liar." he said simply.

"So I've been told." I mumbled. He smiled crookedly, making my heart go spastic.

"Stop doing that!" I said, agitated.

"Doing what?"

"Making me..." I hesitated. "Making me like you." I finally confessed.

"I thought you liked Kevin."

I ignored his comment. "We can't do this." I whispered.

"Do what?"

"Would you stop acting like you don't know what I'm talking about please?"

He let out a big breath. "I know."

"So, what happens next?"

"Do you know how hard it is for me to see you and pretend like I don't feel anything for you?" he said, once again, not actually answering my question.

"You suck at pretending." I grumbled.

"You have no idea what's going on in my head right now. How _bad_I wanna be Kevin."

I let what he said sink in.

"What happens next?" I repeated.

Just then, Kevin came out of the bathroom and sat down next to me. He looked at me worriedly. "What'd I miss?"

"Nothing." I lied, and I looked at Joe, knowing exactly what he wanted to happen next.  
Like I said, a night to remember.


	12. All Fall Down

The look on Joe's face stuck with me all night. It was all I could think of and it put me on edge.

I knew we couldn't do what he wanted. It was unfair. It was wrong. It was _so_ many things.

But I wanted to do it anyway.

I was a terrible, terrible person.

I was full of nothing but guilt during the whole car ride, and I hadn't even done anything yet. Insane.

I just hoped I wasn't the only one going crazy.

**JOE'S POINT OF VIEW **

I should be totally and completely filled with guilt with what I was thinking all night; but I'm not.  
How awful is that?  
The thing was, Makenzie didn't like him, she liked me. Or at least, I think she liked me. She didn't exactly come out and say it...

I like a girl who my brother likes and she doesn't even know what she feels.

Man, life was complicated sometimes.

Sarah was dropped off first, and I had to walk her to her door. After all, I was here with her.

"Where's the number to the agent?" she asked, sticking out one of her greedy little hands as the other gripped the door handle.

"You didn't even hold up your end of the bargain." I said.  
She rolled her eyes. "You didn't _have_ to make her jealous Joe, she already likes you." she said, as if it were obvious. "Dumbass." she muttered under her breath.

"Really? You think so?" Gah, I sounded like such a little girl when I said that.

"Are you blind?" She rolled her eyes again. "Men."

A smirk came across my face as I dug through my pockets, looking for the card. "Here." I said, practically throwing the card at her. I started walking to the car in strides.

"Joe! This is a flipping McDonald's gift card!" she screeched. I stopped and swung myself around. Once again, I dug through my pockets for the _right_ card. Once again, I threw it at her. She wasn't so pleased.

"Joseph." she muttered. I just kept walking back to the car. I opened the door and plopped myself into the backseat. I had a goofy smile on my face.

"What happened to you?" Kevin asked.

"Nothing." I said simply, then I smiled at Makenzie. She diverted her eyes away from me, but I could tell she was trying to hide a little smile forming in the corner of her mouth.

All the way to her place, I plotted exactly what I was going to do to make her mine...  
...It was going to take a lot, but I had plenty of time.

**MAKENZIE'S POINT OF VIEW **

Kevin and I stood at my doorway, awkwardly lingering for a minute. I guess neither of us really knew what we should, or shouldn't, do.  
"So.." I started, clapping my hands together.

"I had a good time tonight. We should do it again sometime. Without Joe and Sarah."

"Agreed." I said. "That was a little strange." Which was very, _very_ true.

He smiled. "Yeah, definitely."

He leaned in, and I _thought_ he was going to kiss me.

Instead, he leaned into my ear and whispered, "How about a first date hand shake? First date kisses aren't really my thing."

I laughed a little at this, but I stuck out my hand. "Night." I smiled.

He took mine and grabbed it gently, but held it tightly. "Goodnight." We still were shaking hands, looking at each other, when he paused and smiled.

"Screw it." he whispered and he pulled me closer with my hand, and he totally caught me off guard.

Then he kissed me.

And I kissed back.

My heart pounded inside my chest, maybe not extremely, but it was a reaction. A good one. He was also a very good kisser.

He pulled me away from him slowly. "Goodnight." he repeated, a goofy grin on his face.

"Sleep tight." I answered, smiling too. He walked off and I leaned against the door for a second, pondering everything.

Maybe I didn't like Joe after all. Maybe I just needed to realize how great Kevin really was.

Hah. I wish it was that easy.

I sighed and went inside. I hung around for a few hours then went to my room to go to sleep.

Or at least that's what I thought I'd be doing when I got in there.

"What the?" I said drearily. It was dark, but I knew who that shadow was in my room.

"Hey." he said casually.

"What are you doing here?" I whispered sharply.

"I want you."

"I think you should leave."

"But Kenzie-" he started.

"Seriously, _go_ Derek."

He got out of my chair and walked over to me. He grabbed my hand, but I pulled it away. "No." I said sternly. I felt like I was scolding a child.

"Come on." he whined.

"How'd you get in here?" I asked.

"Ayden let me in." he said simply.

"And let you in my room?!" Ayden was _so_ gonna pay for that one.

"Yeah." There was a short silence.

"What exactly do you want Derek?"

He leaned in. "I love you." he whispered in my ear. Then he turned to face me, looking at me with his blue eyes in that way that always made me take him back.

I sneezed.

He looked frazzled.

"Sorry," I sniffled. "But I'm allergic to _bullshit_."

He was totally taken aback by my response and I guess I don't really blame him. I used to always fall for that.

"Is there someone else?" he asked me suspiciously.

"So what if there is?" I said. "You don't need to know. We aren't together anymore. Remember?" I didn't need to mention that there might be more than one someone else.

He just looked down at his feet.

"I really think you should go." I whispered. This time, he listened. Before he left, he turned back and looked at me. His face looked genuinely sad. I felt a little bad for him, until his mouth opened.

"Whatever, you ugly whore." Then he left.

One lonely tear streamed down my face. No matter how many times someone insulted me in one way or another, though not normally in Derek's context, it hurt. No matter what.

I wiped the stupid traitor tear off my cheek, crawled into my bed, and closed my eyes tight.

Who I saw when I closed them was no shock.


	13. Change Your Mind

Over the next week, I had one date with Kevin planned for tonight, thirty-six random text messages from Joe, which I tried to ignore as much as I could, and three disappointed stares from Alessa. She didn't approve of my indecisiveness. Riley, on the other hand, encouraged it.

"You only live once." Riley said repeatedly.

Which is when Alessa would come in and say, "You shouldn't play with emotions. You out of all people should get that."

I liked the sound of Riley's better, even though Alessa's was obviously the right one.

I stared at the last text message I got from Joe. Riley tried to work with my hair and Alessa tried to keep her opinions to herself. Both of them had insisted on helping me out, even though I didn't need it.

The glowing text became glued to my mind as I re-read it over and over again: _I miss you._

Three stupid little words and they were having a profound reaction on me. Course, it might have something to do with the fact that his text messages usually said something like 'I am Zortar, King of Planet Xylorglargh' or 'How do you feel about cheese?'.

Now you see why those words affected me so much.

Alessa kept shaking her head at me. Riley kept shooting Alessa warning glances. I kept rolling my eyes.

"There." Riley said. "Perfection." She smiled proudly as she handed me the mirror.

I raised my eyebrows. "Riley, my hair is the way it always is." I pointed out.

"No it isn't. I changed your part." She still smiled proudly.

"Oh, my mistake." I said so I wouldn't hurt her feelings. "It's amazing Riley. You are a miracle worker." There was sarcasm etched in my voice, but I'm not sure she detected it.

"I know." was all she said.

Alessa came over to sit next to me on my bed. "So," she started. "Are you excited for tonight?" She glanced down at my phone.

"Yep." I said, not so enthusiastically. She didn't believe it. "Really, I'm totally excited."

"Uh-huh." she said, as she raised her blonde eyebrow. "Just choose one, Makenzie. You can't do this."

"I'm not doing anything." I defended. "I'm with Kevin. Not Joe."

"Really? Who's the text from?"

I sighed, defeated. "Joe." I said meekly. "But I'm not doing anything with him. Honestly." And I wasn't lying. Nothing had happened between Joe and me. At least, he hadn't done anything. Yet.

"They must be almost done their tour break, huh?" Riley asked curiously as she tried to find something in my barren closet. "I can't wait to see them in concert!"

I laughed at her excitement and how I always forgot they were famous. How could I forget though? Their faces were everywhere and they were always getting asked for random autographs all the time whenever we all went out.

"They get off break August First." I said glumly. I couldn't imagine not having any of them around all the time.

"Wow. You've only got another week left." she said sympathetically.

"Are you gonna be okay?" Alessa asked. "I know how you can be when people-"

"I'll be fine." I pressed. "Stop bringing my past into this. If I knew you were all just gonna use it against me, I wouldn't have said anything."

Alessa looked down guiltily. "I just want to make sure you're okay."

"Don't worry about me. I always manage."

Just then, Riley's phone started ringing, breaking the silence.

"It's Jake." she said.

"Go." Alessa and I said in unison. She smiled widely as she practically skipped out of my room.

"I don't see why she does things with other people when she obviously just likes Jacob." I said.

"Yeah, doesn't make much sense does it?" Alessa accused.

"You should probably go." I told her. She obeyed and started walking away, but not before she said this:  
"Choose." Then she left.

I fell onto my bed and looked up at my ceiling with the fake stars that glowed in the dark.

Alessa was right. I needed to choose.

But how could I choose?  
Kevin was so sweet and he was exactly what I was looking for; and what I needed...

...but Joe was so charming and exactly what I was trying to avoid; and exactly what I needed.

A knock on the door startled me and I made my way to the door. Opening it slowly, I saw Kevin's smile.

"Hello there, beautiful." he said with a huge genuine smile. Inside, it felt like I was being jabbed by a knife.

"Hey." I said as friendly as I could without it sounding phony. "Could you hang out here for a second? I'm not exactly done getting ready yet." I realized I was wearing my robe and pajamas.

"Sure thing."

"Thanks. Make yourself at home." I said gesturing to the small kitchen/living room arrangement.

I went off into my room and scrambled to find something to wear. When I finally chose, I went out to where Kevin was. He sat on the couch patiently.

"Are you ready?" he asked.

"Yep." He didn't need to know about the twisting knots in my stomach. Another knock came on the door.

I ran over to the door, my eyes widening when I saw who it was. "Oh my God."


	14. Lean On Me

I stood there, totally speechless at the person standing in front of me. At first, I couldn't feel anything except Kevin's concerned eyes burning a hole in my back; I was just too shocked. Then, the anger kicked in the second they opened their greedy little mouth.

"Hi." was all it took to set me off. I tried hard to hold it back a little.

"What the Hell do you think you're doing!?" I yelled. So much for holding back.

"I was - I just -"

I dug my fingernails in my clenched fists. "Did the fact that I hung up the phone on you mean anything?"

I felt Kevin move closer.

"Just try to understand -"

"Understand?" I think I sounded a bit hysterical. Kevin touched my arm, but I didn't turn back. I couldn't move.

"What's going on here?" he asked.

"Nothing. Just some selfish, scared _twit _trying to redeem herself." I said flatly.

"Is that any way to talk to your -"

"Don't you dare think you can call yourself _that_."

Kevin intervened again. "Who is this?" he whispered.

"I'm Elizabeth Rollins." she said to Kevin.

"Oh, so you found something _else_ to marry you? Livestock perhaps?" I sneered. Her cold blue eyes burned into me.

"You are one rude little girl, you know that?" she said just as rudely back.

"Well you would know if you would've stuck around." I said. "And I stopped being a little girl a long time ago. Something else you would've known."

"Who-" Kevin started.

With my lack of patience currently, I snapped, "My so-called Mother."

I could only imagine the look on his face. He thought my mom was dead, since that's what I told him.

"I thought she died in a car crash..." he said, and I could tell by his tone just how confused he was.

"You said I was dead?" Elizabeth said, obviously insulted.

"I guess I forgot to put 'wish' in that sentence." I had so much suppressed rage from this woman ever since she left my Dad and me a few years back. Ayden was already off to college, so it didn't affect him quite so much.

"Oh please! You don't want me dead." she said.

"Psh. Like you know anything about what I want."

She stepped out of the doorway and slammed the door. She was tall and had brown hair, exactly like mine, that fell to her shoulders. Her blue eyes definitely weren't welcoming and she could really be a scary woman.

Unless you were like me, who knew that she couldn't hurt anything. Not physically anyway.

She walked right up to me, putting her manicured hands on both of my shoulders, and she tried to put on her 'Mom' face. You know, the one that says I love you and I feel your pain.

Which is complete BS.

"Don't touch me!" I said defensively.

"You have your Dad's eyes." she said, avoiding my remark. "And his nose. But other than that, you're me."

"Oh for the love of God! I am _not_ you! I might have your chin or your ears, but I will never be _you_." I felt like crying, but I couldn't. Nothing came out except my words of hate.

I think I hit a nerve on her, because she swallowed hard as she said, "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"Well you did! You know how terrible I felt having Dad look at me every day knowing that every time he did, all he saw was the woman he loved that left him when she got a little scared?" Talking about my dad put new knots in my stomach.

A single tear streamed down her flawless face. She shook the bangs from her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"I don't forgive you." I said. I knew I was coming off cold and calloused, but she didn't even deserve what I was giving her.

"I know." was all she said. Kevin stood far off in the background now, and watched with a worried/confused look on his face.

"How did you know where I was? Actually, where'd you get my number too?" I asked.

"Ayden." Some brother. First my ex-boyfriend, now my ex-mother...

"Leave. Please." I begged through my gritted teeth.

"Just let me-"

"Please." This time my voice broke. I fought tears stinging my eyes.

She did a small smile and said, "Goodbye." My least favorite word in the world. Even coming from her.

She walked out and I immediately wanted to break down.

Kevin, sensing exactly how I felt, went over to me and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close to his chest.  
I buried my face in his chest and broke down right there. My body shook furiously and I was definitely not at my best.  
But Kevin would kiss the top of my head and whisper 'It's okay' and 'I know' when I said something totally incoherent. He didn't run off or freak out when I was about as low as he'd ever see me...if I could help it.

And at that moment, even though I wasn't exactly emotionally sane, Kevin was the one that I chose.


	15. Someone To Save You

The next morning, I woke up with a headache and a very bruised pride for letting Kevin see me like that. I know that he wouldn't hold it against me or anything, but I was afraid that now he'd see me as fragile, ready to crack at any moment. I didn't want to be that girl. The one with all the issues and crap. But I knew, as much as I denied it and pretended, I would always be that girl.

I rolled over, put my face into my pillow and moaned. My head really _was_ killing me. Reluctantly, I sat up, squinting from the light coming from my one window, then squinting at who was sitting in the chair right next to me.

"Good morning." he said with a smile as he swept my bangs out of my eyes.

"Kevin, what are you doing?" I asked, still not exactly awake.

"I was worried about you after...well, you know, and I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"But you weren't here all night were you? I mean, I know you were here when I fell asleep..."

"I didn't want to leave you by yourself. I was afraid that..." he trailed off with a guilty look on his face because of what he was thinking. I sighed, smiling reassuringly.

"Don't worry about me. I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself. I can handle it."

"Yeah, but why should you have to handle it alone?" he asked, his hazel eyes never leaving mine.

"I've got Ayden." I said, but he wasn't my best defense considering it was sort of his fault.

"I guess." he said, obviously not so convinced.

I yawned a little, and I ruffled my messy hair. "What time is it?"

"Noon." he said, all nonchalant; like it's normal to sleep in till noon.

"Whoa. I gotta do something." I said, pulling my covers off. Then a wave of laziness struck me, and I didn't move after that. "On second thought, I think I'll stay here for a while."

He laughed that laugh I loved and I couldn't help but grin; foolishly at that.

"What?" he asked when he looked at me, traces of his laugh still in his voice.

I shrugged my shoulders, grin still in place. "Wait a second, did you sleep in that chair all night?" I asked him, eyeing the blue butterfly chair he was sitting in.

"It's shockingly comfortable."

I rolled my eyes in disbelief. "You are too sweet for your own good." I mumbled too low for him to actually hear.

"So how are you feeling?" he asked, looking at me the same way he had last night when I was a wreck. I sighed.

"Embarrassed." I confessed, biting my lip.

"Embarrassed?" he repeated. "Why?"

"You saw me last night. I was...not exactly at my best. I didn't want you to see me like that." I looked down at my hands as I spoke, playing around with them. "Now when you look at me, all your gonna see is some nutcase."

"How could you say that?" he asked, shocked at my assumption. "I will _always_ see you as a strong, beautiful, _not _crazy, girl." he reassured.

"Easier said than done." I muttered. He kissed my forehead.

"Trust me." he whispered.

"I do." I said. It's me I can't always trust.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" he asked.

"Do you wanna hear about it?" He smiled warmly.

"I'm ready to listen when you're ready to talk."

"How about cliff notes?" I asked. I wasn't very good at the whole opening up thing. I wasn't really ready to just pour my heart out to him. He nodded. I tried to figure out how to say my story with as little detail as possible. I took a deep breath in a let it out. "So, you know how I said my parents died in a car crash when I was little?"

He nodded.

"Well, that's not true. As you found out last night." I paused for a little while, trying to gather up courage for the rest of the story. "You see, my mom left my dad and me when I was twelve when my dad was diagnosed with cancer." Kevin listened intently, never saying a word. "She just got scared and ran off. Resented her ever since. I grew up pretty fast when he got sick, and I learned to put on a brave face. Long, agonizing story short, he died, leaving me with my Grandma who was sort of helping us out. She wasn't that fond of me, mainly because of the stuff I wound up doing to," I threw up air quotes, "'Cope', and I ended up here."

"I'm sorry." he said quietly.

"Don't be, please. I'm not looking for sympathy." It was quiet for a minute, until Kevin broke it.

"I should probably go." he said. "But do you wanna reschedule our date?"

"Yeah sure, how about tomorrow?" I asked. I wasn't exactly up for it tonight, but I'd never admit that.

"Sounds good. I'll call you." he said, lightly kissing my lips. "Bye." he said, and even though I wouldn't let him see it, I cringed at the word.

**JOE'S POINT OF VIEW **

"Where is he?" I asked Nick as I paced the bedroom floor for the millionth time. "What were they doing?"

"Dude, relax. Kevin called remember? He said Makenzie was having a problem and he was spending the night over there."

"Yeah, I remember. Way to be vague Kevin." I muttered under my breath.

"Seriously man, you're making it so obvious that you like her."

"Psh, please. Why would I like her?" I lied.

"I wouldn't know. I don't like her. Unlike you."

"I don't like her." I lied again.

Nick wasn't buying it. Rolling his eyes at me, he said, "Then why are you basically making a hole in the floor with all the pacing?"

"So I don't have to use the stairs or the elevator to get to the lobby. I can just jump down."

He rolled his eyes again. "Just admit it."

"I am_ crazy_ about her." I admitted. Nick smiled proudly for getting me to fess up, but then it went away.

"You aren't planning anything are you?" he asked suspiciously. I didn't answer quickly enough. "Oh my God, you _are aren't you?"_

"Nick I-"

"You know what? I don't wanna know, okay? So whatever you have planned, leave me out of it."

Just then, Kevin came in, looking extremely tired.

"What did you do?" I asked, but I sounded more involved than I meant to. He sprawled himself out on the couch.

"Makenzie wasn't feeling so great."

"What do you mean?" Nick eyed me and I knew he was telling me to cool it. I ignored him.

"Well, what was wrong with her?"

"Sheesh, why does it matter to you?" he asked, laughing a little.

"I was just curious." He hesitated.

"I don't really know if I should say..." I just gave him a Come-On look and he caved. "Her mom came."

"Her mom's ghost?!" I said.

"No stupid. Her mom's not dead."

"Oh." was all I said. He rolled his eyes.

"Yeah. So anyway, she took it pretty bad and I didn't want to leave her there all by herself."

"Is she okay?" Nick asked for me.

"She'll be fine." Kevin said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go sleep now." Then he headed off to bed. A million things ran through my head at once. I was worried about her, and I wished I could've been there with her to make her feel better... ...but who says I needed to be there when it happened?


	16. Papercut

My whole body hurt.

My head pounded, my legs felt like Jell-O, and my heart was breaking.

Damn my ex mom for bringing up those feelings again.

I pretended that it didn't kill me inside for the next two days when I was with Kevin. I wasn't going to let him see me like that again. Not just him, anyone.

Pretending like I didn't feel anything bad was becoming easier and easier. I think I was numb to anything.

Kevin and I just had a movie date at my place. I wasn't up for going anywhere else, even though Kevin suggested hanging out with him and his brothers.

But that included Joe, which was just another thing I didn't feel like dealing with.

Sure, I had chosen Kevin, but why risk changing my mind?

I wanted so badly to spill my heart out to Kevin, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Every time I tried, my words wouldn't come out. I gave up after the hundredth time I tried.

Here I was, sitting in my room at twelve O'clock in the morning with a white envelope in my hand.

I gripped it tight, just staring at it. To open, or not to open, that was the question.

I heard a clamoring coming from Ayden's room, making me jump out of my skin, and the envelope fluttered to the ground. Slowly, I got out of my room and tip-toed across the living room floor. I slowly opened Ayden's creaky door and immediately realized I was being very reckless. It could've been a murderer or a rapist.

But I didn't have anything to worry about, I quickly noticed. Turns out, it was just a goofball.

"Joe, what are you doing?" I asked, annoyed.

He managed to bring his other leg into Ayden's room. "This isn't your room, is it?" he asked, sounding a little embarrassed.

"No, it's my brother's actually. Not that he's ever home anyway." I said, still annoyed. I was still making Ayden pay for bringing Derek into my room and mom into my life again. "How did you manage to get up here?" I asked curiously.

"Well, I tried to climb the fire escape." he said, a sly grin on his face. "I did it. Eventually."

"Let me guess. You fell a couple of times." Joe wasn't exactly coordinated. Why he couldn't just use a door, I don't know.

"You know me all too well." Then he grabbed one of his legs and cringed.

I flicked the light switch, and saw a red gash that traveled from his ankle to almost his knee.

"Oh my God Joe. What did you do?" I asked, concerned.

"The fire escape didn't like me much I guess." he said, acting like it didn't hurt.

"Come on. Let's get that cleaned up. I wouldn't want you to get tetanus or something."

I told him to sit on the couch as I went into the bathroom to find something to clean it and wrap it up. Surprisingly, Ayden had a variety of First Aid.

Yet, he never manages to get food.

I sat next to Joe, who had his leg propped up on the coffee table.

"Um, this is gonna be kinda weird, but you're gonna have to take off your pants." I said, trying to contain laughter at how ridiculous it sounded.

He had a serious face on when he said, "You are such an animal. You can't control yourself can you?"

I rolled my eyes. "I can't get to your cut with those skinny jeans on. Go into my brother's room; he's got pajama pants on his bed. Put those on."

"Nice save." he smirked, as he limped slightly back to Ayden's room. A few minutes later, he came back, holding them on. I guess Ayden was a little bigger than Joe was.

"Man, I think I might as well be naked." he said.

"Oh please, they aren't that big." I said. "Now roll up the leg with the cut."

He obeyed and I grabbed the brown rubbing alcohol bottle and the wash cloth as I got down on my knees. I dumped some alcohol on it and started for his cut.

"Wait," he said, making me stop. "Is this gonna hurt?"

"Yep."

"Oh, super!" he said with mock enthusiasm. I just shook my head and started to clean the cut. He cringed, and I smiled at how he tried so hard to act like it didn't hurt. Funny how pride works.

"There," I said, "Now I just need to wrap it up."

"How'd you get so good at this?" he asked. "That doesn't bother you?"

"I've seen worse things." I said, sadness etched slightly in my voice. I could feel his eyes piercing me, trying to figure out what I was referring to.

I wrapped his cut up and got up.

"Thanks." he said, and I could tell his mind was elsewhere.

"Don't mention it." I said in the same tone.

"Are you okay?"

He caught me off guard. "Yeah," I said. "I'm fine."

"Liar."

"Fine, don't believe me." I hated it when he was right. He got up and started towards me. I stepped back.

"Stop." I pleaded. "Please. Just don't."

He looked at me in that way that always gave me butterflies.

"When Kevin said you weren't doing so great that night, I was scared."

"Try being there." I said sharply, as my walls came up.

"I want to help you." he said.

"Then leave."

He ignored my request. "Let me in Makenzie. You can do it for Kevin, so why can't you do it for me?"

"Because you scare the hell out of me." I said, my voice breaking a little. Before he could respond to that, I added, "And I wouldn't say I let Kevin in either."

"More than you do with me."

"Well I am kinda dating him." I said defensively. "You _are_ just his brother."

"I think we both know I'm a little more than just the brother."

He was right again; not that I'd admit it. "I chose him. Not you."

He stepped closer, grabbing my hand. "Who says you can't change your mind?" he said, as he leaned in closer, like he was about to kiss me.

Under his spell, I almost did it.

Almost.

"No." I whispered softly, our faces centimeters apart. "I can't."

He stepped back, giving me space. "Okay," he said. "I'll see you later." Then he walked out.

He gave up so easily. Too easily.

I gave up trying to think about what he could possibly have planned and headed off to try and sleep.

Yeah right. Like I could sleep after _that_.


	17. Tearin' Us Apart

I literally got thirty minutes of sleep. I couldn't stop thinking. I would've gotten more if Ayden hadn't burst into my room in an angry rage.

"Get up!" he yelled, pulling the covers off of me. I moaned.

"What the Hell do you want?" I groaned. Note to self: Kill Ayden. When I get my energy back.

"What the Hell are these?" he asked, throwing something at me.

My eyes widened when I looked closer. "Shit." I muttered to myself. I had forgotten about Joe's jeans. I guess he did too.

"Would you care to elaborate?" he said impatiently.

I hesitated, since I had no idea how to explain this., _Well you see Ayden, there was a guy who crawled through your window last night. He had to take off his pants so I could clean his cut because he hurt himself going through the window. See? No harm done. _Yeah, right. Like he'd really believe _that_.

"I'm waiting." he said, his green eyes full of fury. Sure, now he chooses to be a concerned guardian. When I didn't even do anything. At least, not what he was thinking I was doing.

"It's nothing Ayden. Relax."

"Nothing? Some other guy's pants are in my room, and it's nothing?" He was verging on hysterical, which I found kind of amusing. He's such a drama queen.

"How do you know they aren't yours?" I asked, trying to veer him off track.

He rolled his eyes. "I don't own any white skinny jeans."

I got out of bed, walking past him and leaving the jeans on my bed, and went into the kitchen for breakfast. More like lunch, since it was almost noon.

"Hey," Ayden said, "We aren't finished."

"Ayden." I said sternly. "I didn't do anything. I swear."

"Well with you, you never know." he said curtly. I was pushing the edge with him using my past like blackmail.

"Can't you just stop using my past against me. I'm different. I'm not that girl anymore."

"Well, then what were the pants doing in my room?" he asked, and I don't think he completely believed a word I said.  
Making up a story right on the spot, I sputtered. "One of my friends got into a biking accident."

"So?" I just realized he was holding the jeans up.

Digging through my brain, I pulled out, "So, can't you see that rip? And the blood stain right there? He needed help. I just gave him First Aid." Wow. That was the best lie I'd ever told. How pathetic.

"So what, did he go home without any pants on?" He still wasn't quite buying it.

"Er...I sort of let him borrow your pajamas." And _that_ was the truth.

"You what?!" Then realizing what I _didn't _do, he calmed down. "It's cool. It's cool. Just, uh, get them back."

"Are you done then? 'Cause I don't want my cereal to get soggy?"

"Yep. Sorry about that." Lamest apology ever. But I took it anyway. I had other things I had to deal with later. Like getting Joe's jeans back to him.

I knocked on their hotel room door, Joe's jeans in a tote. I almost came with them in a plastic grocery bag, then I realized it was see through. Duh.

I tapped my fingers on my side as I waited for someone to answer.

"Hey." Nick said, opening the door. "Come in."

"Thanks." I said, and I walked into their hotel room. I had already forgotten how huge this place was. Then I realized something was missing.

"Where are Joe and Kevin?" I asked Nick curiously. I peered around the corners expecting to see them just pop up.

Nope, nothing.

"Well Kevin's in the shower and Joe went out somewhere. He was pretty vague about it."

Oh, just great. "I guess I'll just go then."

"Hoping Joe was here, weren't you?" he said, his voice not sounding much like anything.

"Huh?" I asked, pretending to be baffled. "No. I was just dropping by."

"Uh-huh." he said, and I could see he didn't believe me. Not that he'd just say that.

Just then, Joe burst through the door, full of energy. I raised my eyebrows, curious as to what he could've been doing.

He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw me. "Makenzie. What are you doing here?" He reached into the mini fridge and found a Red Bull. Yeah, that's exactly what he needed was more caffeine.

"She was just dropping by." Nick said, the same tone as before.

He raised his two dark eyebrows. "Dropping by? For what?" he asked as he took a swig of Red Bull.

"Pants." I said quickly. Joe quickly understood, his mouth forming an O. Nick just furrowed his brow at us. "Pants?" he repeated. "Oh man, Joe what did you do?"

"How did you know?" I whispered to Nick.

"I didn't. It just seemed like something dumb that Joe would do. Something with pants."

"Oh." was all that came out.

"What exactly happened here?"

"I hurt myself." Joe said, as if it happened all the time. Then again, it probably did.

"Yeah, okay. You do that a lot. But what does that have to do with pants?"

"I had to take them off so -"

Nick put his hands to his ears. "Whoa, too much! _Way_ too much!"

Joe and I both rolled our eyes. Joe pulled Nick's hands from his ears. "It wasn't for _that_. Geez."

"I couldn't get to his cut with his jeans on. He put on my brother's pajama pants and he forgot his own."

No need to mention what happened between the cut and when he forgot the pants.

"Oh yeah," Joe said, suddenly remembering, "I'll go get those pants."

I stood there awkwardly with Nick for a minute and I knew he knew. Even if no one had actually told him anything, he knew. It was just the way he was.

Joe returned with Ayden's pants in his hands. I fished around the tote for his. I pulled them out, practically throwing them at him. Needless to say, I was still sort of mad at him for what he almost made me do.

Kevin walked out just as I was stuffing the pants in my bag. He looked extremely confused.

"Hey Kenzie. What's up?" he asked as he finished buttoning his shirt. "What's with the pants?"

Nick, Joe, and I all looked at each other, trying to find an excuse.

"Um, these pajamas were too small for Ayden. I wanted to see if they'd fit you guys, but Nick told me they weren't your sizes." Making up phony stories was getting easier and easier by the second.

"Oh yeah?" Apparently, so was getting people to believe it.

"Sorry I can't really stay. I just realized I have plans with Riley. I'll call you later 'kay?"

"Sure thing." he said, smiling. "I'll see you later."

"Later." I said as nonchalantly as I could. Then I practically flew out of the room. I couldn't stand being in the same room with those two. It killed me.

I took a deep breath in as soon as I got into the elevator. Slowly, I let it out. My head told me one thing. My heart said another. They were always in conflict. And wasn't sure how much more my heart could take.


	18. Over My Head

**JOE'S POINT OF VIEW**

"What was _that_ about?" he asked Nick and me. Nick looked over at me as if to say 'Hey, I don't have anything to do with this'.  
"You heard her. Pants." I said. And it was true, even though that was extremely vague version.

"I don't know. I think there's more to it..."

I started to worry he'd find out about my little stunt, and I tried to find something to say that would make him stop being suspicious.

"Relax Kevin. She's not cheating on you or anything." I said as nonchalantly as possible. I know she wasn't, but I still felt like we were.

His eyes widen. "You think she's cheating on me?" Great, I gave him the idea.

"Er...uh...I thought that's what you were talking about." I sputtered.

"I was worried that it had something to do with the other night and her mom!" he said.

"Oh. Right." Nick rolled his eyes at me and walked out of the room. "That's probably it. Never mind what I said."

"Well now you've got me all freaked out Joe."

I tried to calm him down. "Kevin." I said slowly. "Do you trust her?"

"Yes..."

"Well, then you've got nothing to worry about there do you?"

He didn't say anything for what felt like an eternity. "No. I guess I don't." he said, a flicker of a smile crossing his face. "I'm gonna go call her."

"You do that."

He left the room.

I almost got us caught. And we hadn't even done anything. I took out my iPhone and looked for her number.

_Hey. That was a close one there huh?_

It took her longer than I thought to respond.

**Don't think I'm not mad at you for what you did. It's you're fault. You and your stupid pants.**

She was trying to bring me down and it wasn't going to work. I knew she wasn't really mad at me. At least, not as mad as she made it seem.

_C'mon. If you didn't shoo me out of there like you did, I would've gotten them._

Once again, it took a few minutes for anything.

**If you used the front door like a normal person, we wouldn't have this problem.**

_But what fun is that?_

**Stop.**

And I did. But I think we both knew that I wouldn't be able to for long.

**MAKENZIE'S POINT OF VIEW**

I was texting with Joe at the same time I was on my home phone with Kevin. I felt like I was phone cheating.

"I can't believe we're gone in five days." Kevin said, a little sad.

"Yeah. It's gonna suck not having you around."

My cell phone rang. New text from Joe. Again.

"So do you wanna go to this dinner thing we're having tomorrow night? My parents and Frankie are gonna be there, too."

It took me too long to respond; I was too busy telling Joe that he was wrong.

"Makenzie?" Kevin's voice rang through my ears.

"Oh, sorry." I said half-heartedly. "I'd like that." Truth be told, I was a little freaked out. I mean, parents? This was getting too serious too fast.

Man, I am such a coward.

"Great!" he said, and I could tell he was smiling. "I can pick you up around six-thirty. 'Kay?"

Quickly, I texted Joe one single word and answered Kevin. "Yeah. Sounds great. I can't wait." I wasn't sounding half as happy as Kevin was, but I was trying hard enough not to sound annoyed thanks to Joe.

"Okay. See ya." Then he hung up.

I got up and walked over to look at myself in the mirror.

There were dark circles under my eyes, my hair needed to be washed, and I looked like a disaster.

Probably because I was. Or at, I was on the edge of it.

I wanted to punch the mirror. I was starting to look like that scared, weak, reckless girl I was that didn't seem to care what happened to her or other people anymore. The one I was hoping I left behind back home.

Who was I kidding. She followed me everywhere I went; eager to replace the new person I'd become.  
I just hope that girl didn't appear tomorrow night.


	19. 11:11 PM

I was suddenly overcome with even more fear and anxiety than before as Kevin stood in front of me, picking me up for dinner. I was meeting his parents. Not to mention that Joe was gonna be there. Although he had actually stopped, which I found odd.

I hoped he didn't have something extravagant planned tonight.

Kevin and I pulled up to the restaurant, my knees feeling weak. I was a nervous wreck, but I hid it well, putting on a fake excited smile for Kevin's sake. He seemed like a kid at Christmas.

I also hoped he didn't have something extravagant planned tonight.

We walked in, and who I could only assume was Mrs. Jonas came practically running over to us. She wore a warm smile on her face and it calmed my nerves a little. She hugged Kevin first, then me. It was strange to have someone I don't know be so nice, but I guess that's where the boys got that from when they met me that night. Mr. Jonas followed shortly after, hugging Kevin, but only shaking my hand. That wasn't so strange to me. A little boy who I figured must've been Frankie stood close to his mom's side, looking up at me.

"It's so great to meet you Makenzie. Kevin talks about you all the time." Mrs. Jonas said, smiling still.

"You don't say." I said, smiling, too, then looking at Kevin. He smiled back at me, calming my nerves even more.

"Have you heard from Joe and Nick? They aren't here yet." Mr. Jonas asked Kevin. I couldn't help but curl my nose a little at Joe's name. Luckily, no one noticed.

"No, but you know Joe. He's probably still debating on his hair."

Just then, Joe and Nick burst through the doors.

"Hey guys. Sorry we're late." Joe said, hugging his mom as Nick stood there with his hands in his pockets.

Joe, believe it or not, barely paid any attention to me when he came in. No winks, no sly crooked smiles. Nothing. And I should be glad, because he's doing what I told him to do. It shouldn't have bothered me.

But it did.

Frankie then tugged on my shirt, bringing me back to reality. I came down to his level. He motioned me to come closer and then he whispered in my ear, "You're pretty."

I smiled sweetly. "Why thank you." I said politely. "You're very handsome."

He smiled proudly. "I know." He was definitely Joe's brother.

"Careful Kevin," Joe said playfully, "Frank's trying to steal your girl." I wanted to say that he had the wrong brother, but I knew that would be a very dumb move.

"Frankie, what did I tell you about stealing my girlfriends?" he said, playing along.

Gulp. Girlfriend. Not a word I'm used to hearing. Sure, I was Derek's girlfriend, but he never actually said it. Since when was I considered his girlfriend?

Instead of freaking out, I replied as coolly as possible, "What can I say? He is The Man."

Kevin smiled. "Yep. I can't compete with that. You win Frankie." he said, putting his hands up in surrender.

"No," Frankie said, almost glumly, "She was yours first. You can have her."

He ruffled Frankie's hair. "Thanks Frank."

"So can we eat now?" Joe asked. "I'm starving."

"Me too!" Frankie said.

"Well I guess we should, before you guys wither away." Mr. Jonas said.

So we sat down at the table, Mr. and Mrs. Jonas and Frankie on one side, and Kevin, me, Nick, and Joe on the other. For the first time ever, there wasn't an awkward seating arrangement.

Unfortunately, the conversation was still a bit awkward.

"So," Mr. Jonas said casually, "What do your parents do?"

All the boys' eyes widened, and so did Mrs. Jonas'. I guess I knew what Kevin said about me now. "Dad." Kevin said sternly.

"It's fine Kevin." Maybe it wasn't, but it's not like Mr. Jonas knew any better. "My dad's dead. My mom's not around anymore." I forced out. I didn't feel comfortable saying this out loud with so many eyes on me. I felt like they were all waiting for me to have a nuclear meltdown.

"Oh," he said, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Don't worry about it."

"So who do you live with then?" Mr. Jonas asked.

"Dad." Kevin said, giving him the Just-Stop-Talking look.

"My brother." I replied casually, pretending I didn't care.

Mr. Jonas stopped talking after that, probably because of the looks he was getting by everyone, including Frankie, even though I was pretty sure he was just mimicking everyone at the table. Still, I couldn't help but wonder how much Kevin had said about me. I know I didn't give him much information, but I wondered how much of that he gave out to them.

The rest of the conversation was pretty casual, nothing that went in too deep. I think they were all afraid they'd say something else that might be a sore subject.

Let me just say, that if they really knew _all _about me, there wouldn't be much to talk about at all.

I excused myself to go to the bathroom and when I got in there, I splashed cold water on my face, only to remember that I was wearing mascara. Muttering under my breath as I tried scrubbing my new raccoon circles away, someone came in, but I didn't bother looking up.

I felt their eyes burning a hole in my back and I lifted my head up, looking at the mirror to see who it was behind me.  
"Why are you in here?" I asked, a little confused. "Isn't this the girls bathroom?"

"Actually, it's for girls _and_ boys."

"Fantastic." I said.

He just stood there, waiting for me to say something.

"Aren't you going to go?" I asked, annoyed.

"I'm actually here for you."

I rolled my eyes, looking down at the sink. "Joe."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Stop."

Was I that predictable?

"Were you crying?" he asked, noticing my mascara rings.

"No." I sighed. "I splashed myself with water."

He wasn't buying it, I could tell by the look he was giving me. But I wasn't going to defend myself. I just didn't care.  
"So why did you want me exactly?" I asked impatiently, still trying to get rid of the mascara.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Well I'm good, so you can go now."

He stepped closer to me. "Are you?"

"Yes." I defended, pushing past him. "And don't stand so close to me. Kevin could walk in. Or your parents."

"There's something that's been on my mind," he said, ignoring me, "Something you said that night with the pants."

I had a feeling I knew exactly what. "Oh? What would that be?" I said, pretending like I didn't even remember that night, even though it was pretty much the reason I couldn't sleep at night.

"When you said that I scared you, why exactly?" he asked, looking me in the eyes, and never leaving. As much as I wanted to look away, I couldn't.

"I don't have to tell you anything." I said, meaning for it to come out in a I'm standing my ground kind of way, but instead coming out as a tiny whisper.

"Don't be scared," he reassured, "It's okay."

"Okay?" I repeated. "Is it okay to feel more about you than I do with Kevin, who I'm with? Is it okay to feel like I'm falling twenty billion miles a second for you and about a hundred miles a minute for him? Is it okay to want to be with both of you? Because I know if I lost either of you, I'd fall apart." Tears swelled up in my eyes, but weren't escaping. Normally, I would've wanted to run screaming in the other direction after what I just said; But I didn't. Not even a little.  
"Do you love Kevin?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know." I admitted.

"Do you love me?"  
"I don't know." I whispered back, biting my tongue right after I said it.

Just then, someone ran into the bathroom and shattered whatever Joe and I had going right then. He walked out casually first. I waited a few minutes, letting the few tears I had escape and composed myself, acting like nothing had happened just then, although in my head, I was trying to sort everything else out.

For once, I was actually sort of glad they were going to be leaving soon. At least then, I'd be able to sort through this mess of feelings.


	20. LOVE

**Author's Note: To answer the question in the review, I'm fifteen. And I'd just like to let you all know that there are thirty-eight chapters of this story, so it's not over yet. **

**Sorry about this one being short, too. **

**KEVIN'S POINT OF VIEW **

I kept biting my tongue all night to stop myself from telling her that I loved her. I knew it was way to fast, and it probably wouldn't seem like it was actually true. She'd probably say that I was rushing into this whole thing; I guess I sort of was. We had only been seeing each other for a couple weeks.

But God did I love her.

Every time I'd look at her, I'd want to tell her so badly. And I knew I shouldn't. That would just scare her.

I'd just have to wait a little bit longer. Then she'd be able to handle it. And maybe be able to say it to me too.

Later that night, after we dropped Makenzie off and we back at the hotel, Joe asked me a question that threw me off guard a little.

"Do you love her?" he asked, and I thought I detected a little bit of sadness in his voice. I figured it was just me, and ignored it.

"Why?" I asked curiously.

"Just wondering." It sounded like it was a little more than that.

"Yeah," I said smiling, "I do."

He pursed his lips. "Do you think she does?"

"I don't know." I said quietly. "I'd like to think so. Why?" I asked again.

"No reason." It was the same tone as before. "I'm gonna go for a walk." he said absent-mindedly.

"Okay. Do whatever you wanna do."

He grabbed a sweatshirt and was gone.

"He's been taking a lot of walks lately." I said to Nick.

He shrugged. "Good exercise."

"Yeah, I guess." But I couldn't help but feel like he was up to something.

**JOE'S POINT OF VIEW **

Here I was again, for what felt like the millionth night in a row, just staring up at Makenzie's window, debating whether or not I should go in. I'd only ever done that once; you see how well that turned out.

Kevin saying that he loved her wasn't helping me at all. It was making it that much harder for me to get to her.  
He was my brother; I shouldn't be doing this.

She was his girlfriend; I _really_ shouldn't be doing this.

If he knew what I was planning next... he'd hate me forever.


	21. Rain

It couldn't have possibly been more than six minutes after I finally got myself relaxed after the not-so relaxing dinner, that Ayden came stumbling in with a tall redhead stuck to his face.

I rolled my eyes. "Hey Ayden. You know, I think you've got a little something on your face." The tall redhead stopped what she was doing and pulled away from him.

"Never mind. It's gone." Then I realized who it was.

She raised her eyebrows. "Madison."

"Makenzie," I corrected, exasperated. I couldn't believe it; Sarah was in my living room with my brother.

How does she manage to get anyone to see past her evilness?

"I take it you guys have already met," Ayden said, pulling her closer to him.

"Yeah. Lucky me," I said, faking enthusiasm.

Sarah, to my surprise, wasn't wearing a dress this time. She was still dressed up of course, but in slacks and some sparkly top.

With Joe, she wanted his connections...  
...so what did my brother have?

"Hey, do you think you could leave?" Ayden whispered softly, looking back at Sarah.

"But I just got here. And did you look outside. It looks like there's gonna be a huge storm." Plus, I don't want him and Sarah to...well, you know. Bleck.

"Take a cab and go to Riley's," he reasoned.

"She's out."

"Alessa."

"She's with her."

"Derek?"

"Are you serious? You know I'm not seeing him anymore."

"Then go to Kevin's."

"I just hung out with Kevin ten minutes ago."

He threw his head back and moaned. "Makenzie, please go," he pleaded.

I was in no mood to argue. "Fine, I'll find somewhere to go."

"Thank you!"

"Worst guardian ever," I mumbled, as I grabbed my jacket and headed outside. I walked slowly down the stairs, thinking the whole way down. I couldn't possibly be in love with either of them. It was too fast. Way too fast. This was all getting too compl -

_CRASH!_

Right into someone who was just outside. Both of us lay on the ground, and I scurried to get back up and apologize.  
"I am _so_ sorry!" Then, as I helped him up, my eyes widened. "What are you doing here Joe?"

"Nothing..." he said, brushing himself off.

I raised my eyebrows at him.

"What?" he said, but his voice was high pitched. "I was just walking around."

"Oh?" I said suspiciously. "And you just so happened to come across the front door of my apartment building?"

He put his hands in his pockets, looking down and back up again. He smiled at me crookedly as he said, "You know me so well."

"So what are you _really_ doing here?" I asked.

He was quiet for a minute. "I wanted to say I'm sorry for, well, everything I've done."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

I scanned his face for a minute, looking for a trace of a lie. I couldn't find anything, but it didn't mean I thought he was telling the truth.

"I don't believe you," I said skeptically. "_But_, I'm just gonna go with it."

He smiled at me. "So, friends?" he asked, putting his hand out.

"Sure," I said sticking my hand out and placing it in his. "Friends."

He held onto my hand tight, and then he did something I wasn't expecting. The same thing Kevin did on our first date. He pulled me into him, lifting up my chin and kissing me.

The worst thing; I kissed back. And it felt _so_ good.

And I was close to not stopping it too, but I pulled away.

"What the Hell?!" I screamed, smacking him repetitively. "You tricked me!"

He stepped back from the hits I was giving him. "Relax," he said smoothly.

"You said friends! Not make-out buddies!"

He looked down at his feet. "I couldn't resist."

"Don't you have any sort of conscience? Think about how much this would _kill_ Kevin."

He looked up at me, suddenly looking guilty. "I'm the worst brother ever."

"I'm the worst girlfriend ever."

"But you didn't really do anything. It was my fault."

"I kissed back Joe. I am just as much at fault as you."

Just then, a few raindrops fell down, splatting on my face.

Then just like that, it was pouring.

Without much thinking, Joe and I took off running for shelter. We slipped into an abandoned apartment building, and Joe shook his long hair just like a dog.

I took off my wet sweatshirt and started to wring out my shirt. Joe was suddenly right next to me, touching my arm, running his fingers over scars across my wrists.

"When did you do this?"

"When I was fourteen. Before my dad died and after my mom left."

"Did you think that would help?" he whispered.

"I thought it was the only pain I could control."

He looked at me. "You don't still feel that way right?"

I backed away. "Why does everyone think that I'm gonna go nuclear?"

"I just wanted to make sure you weren't -"

"I've heard it already Joe. Just stop."

He stepped closer to me, making my breathing grow unsteady and my heart slow down and beat faster at the same time.

"Tell me about it," he whispered in my ear, his breath warm.

Under his trance, I began spilling my heart.


	22. The Story Of My Life

I wiped a stray tear from my cheek. "When my mom left," I started, "it broke my dad's heart. He really was a wreck; Not that he'd ever let me see it. But I knew, because that's exactly how I felt." Joe and I sat down on the not-so sturdy floor, him facing me, and me facing the wall. I couldn't bare to look at him when I was so vulnerable.

"I couldn't stand looking at him, because I looked like her. I knew it had to be killing him inside even more than the cancer was. And it was really strange that he'd get cancer, too. He was a complete health freak. He wouldn't do anything that wasn't good for him; Then he got lung cancer."

I could feel Joe's eyes burning into me, and I looked down at the floor, another tear falling down.

"The chemo took a lot out of him, and once he got a little...upset," I said, trying to put it lightly.

"What do you mean?" Joe whispered.

I swallowed hard. "Let's just say that the things he said to me, made me want to do this even more," I said, touching the scars with my fingers.

"Oh," was all he said.

I continued. "He didn't even remember what he said to me; Or maybe he was just too ashamed. I don't really know." I pursed my lips, then went on again. "And his cancer was gone. For a while. But then he started to have trouble breathing and when he coughed...it wasn't so pretty," I said, sparing him the not-so pleasant details.

"I was scared. And he was, too. My dad and I, we were always on the same sort of wavelength, so I could always tell what he felt, and vice versa. Which was good, because both of us were terrible at saying what we felt." Then I added, "But I think you already knew _that _about me."

He smiled softly and nodded. "I had a hunch."

"Anyway," I continued, "the last few months were, God, they were horrible, nightmarish months that I hope I'll never have to live again. Seeing someone you love just fade away right in front of your eyes...I can't even begin to tell you how awful it is." More tears fell down. "My grandma was with us then, since my dad couldn't exactly take care of me anymore. I couldn't stand seeing him like that and I did some things that I thought would help me through it. I should've known better..." I trailed off for a minute.

"I was practically drowning in vodka and cheap beer up until about a month before I moved here. My grandma was disappointed, and she just couldn't take me. I didn't want to leave, so I sobered up. She still didn't want me around; I guess she was worried I'd do it again.

"The night my dad died, I was drunk. _So_ drunk. My grandma calls me up, and says my dad's gone. You wanna know what I said? _I don't give a shit_." More and more tears fell down. "I've been regretting that, and I wish I could take that night back. Actually, I wish I could take _all_ those nights back."

Then I began verging on hysteria. "I should've been by my dad's side the night he died. _I _should've been the one holding his hand and I should've been there for him. I should've cared when my grandma said he was gone. I should've -" Then my voice broke and my words stuck together. Joe grabbed my hand, and held it tight.

"I didn't even tell him that I loved him."

"He knew," Joe whispered.

"But I still should've said it." I really _wasn't_ a good person, and Kevin and Joe deserved way better than me. I just had to walk out of both of their lives before I screwed theirs up too.

I started to get up, but my knees gave out. Joe managed to catch me and I couldn't help but break down right there. I had to face it; I was too selfish to let either of them go.

"I'm such a disaster," I mumbled, sobbing.

"That may be," Joe said softly as he wiped away some of my tears. "But you're a beautiful one."


	23. Save The World

I opened my eyes for a second, squinting at the light, then let them slowly shut again. Then my eyes opened quickly and I was suddenly wide awake.

I was still where I was last night.

I was resting on Joe, who was still sleeping. It looked like he might've been smiling. Looking at him, I felt a wave of calmness over me and I let myself rest on his chest and closing my eyes again.

The calm I felt was quickly shattered when Joe's phone rang. He moaned and I pretended I was still sleeping. He slid me off of him gently, with a little reluctance, which left me on the floor with our sweatshirts as my bed.

I opened one eye barely, and saw Joe went out into the hall.

**JOE'S POINT OF VIEW **

"Nick? What's going on?" I asked, still half asleep.

"Where have you been?" He sounded wound up.

I cleared my throat. "Nowhere special."

"Well get back here man! We're leaving tonight!"

I was confused. "What are you talking about? We don't leave 'til Friday."

"Not anymore," he said, and he was holding back excitement.

"What happened?"

"Well don't sound so happy about it," he said sarcastically.

"What happened!?" I said with mock enthusiasm. I knew he was rolling his eyes at me right now.

"If you don't wanna know..."

"Come on man, just spit it out."

He paused for a second. "We're touring with Switchfoot!"

"We're what?!" I was beyond psyched. "How did this happen?"

"I don't really know the whole story, but who cares? We're touring with Switchfoot Joe!"

I couldn't believe this. It was beyond amazing.

But that meant I just lost two days with Makenzie.

**MAKENZIE'S POINT OF VIEW **

Joe snuck his way back in and I quickly went back into my fake sleep. I heard him bend down to my level on the floor and I felt him stroke my hair, bringing shivers down my spine.

I opened my eyes, Joe and me face to face.

He smiled as he whispered, "Hello beautiful. How's it going?"

I laughed. "If you say, I hear it's wonderful in California..."

He laughed too. "You know the song huh?"

"Riley put me through a boot camp of all your songs."

"You've been awake all this time."

I sighed, defeated. "I can't even fake sleep."

"I only knew because you weren't snoring." A smirk spread across his face.

"I _do not _snore!" I defended.

"Your nose begs to differ."

I folded my arms across my chest. "Whatever."

"How are you?" he asked, more seriously this time.

I almost forgot about last night. "I'm good." And I really was. Maybe all I needed was to get it all off my chest. But it didn't mean that I wasn't still embarrassed.

"That was nice though," he said.

"Seeing me as a complete wreck?"

"No." he pressed. "You not hating me."

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "But I really can't do this."

"Nope," he said, popping the P. "And you won't have to worry about it for a while 'cause I'm leaving tonight."

"You're what?"

"Tour starts early. With Switchfoot."

"Wow."

"Are you gonna be okay?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know..."

I rolled my eyes. "Let me guess. I talked in my sleep."

"Yeah."

"And I said, something like 'Don't leave me'."

"To be specific, you said my name with that."

Stupid dream.

"Don't worry about me."

"Okay." He didn't seem convincing but I let it go because I knew he was right.

Without them, I doubted that I'd be even remotely okay.


	24. Say Goodbye

Thankfully, Kevin hadn't called me about the tour until after Joe and I left. I had almost slipped out that I already knew about the tour, but I saved myself...barely.

Now here I was, standing in front of all three of these amazing boys saying goodbye. The worst word in the world, even though I knew they weren't leaving forever. But I still felt like I'd never see them again.

I knew I shouldn't have gotten so attached.

I walked over to Nick first, forcing a meek smile. "You know, we never really got much time to hang out when you were here," I mentioned to him after he quickly hugged me goodbye.

"Yeah," he said. "But you have my cell number if you ever wanna text or call." He glanced over at Kevin, who just moments earlier programmed all of the numbers of anyone that he would be anywhere near during the tour just in case he didn't have his phone on him.

"I might just take you up on that." It'd be nice to talk to someone I didn't have any strong feelings for. For once.  
He smiled crookedly, and went onto the bus.

Next in line was Kevin.

"I'm gonna miss you," he whispered, as he hugged me tightly.

"I'm gonna miss you, too," I whispered back.

"I'll call you whenever I get the chance," he promised.

I smiled, knowing how much he really cared. Which is what made it so much harder to look him in the eyes. All that went down last night was...well it was something that I can't say I regret. And that made me feel even more guilty.  
"Don't worry about it," I answered. "I know how busy you'll be."

He kissed me lightly on my lips. "I wouldn't care if I had to call you in the middle of the concert while I was on stage."

I laughed. "Wouldn't the teenage girls love that," I said sarcastically. "Kevin Jonas calling his girlfriend in the middle of a concert."

He lingered for a moment, like he was going to say something else, but he must've changed his mind.

He kissed me one last time. "I'll see you later."

"Yeah. Later." He let go of me and went onto the bus.

And last, and certainly not least, Joe.

"Hey," he said casually.

"Hey," I said the same way back. Our eyes locked, making my heart race and I thought I felt myself blushing a little bit.  
He smiled. Yep. I was definitely blushing.

He gave me a hug, holding on tight, and holding on longer than he should've.

"I'm gonna miss you," he whispered in my ear.

I sighed. "I wish I couldn't say the same."

He gave me a quick peck on the cheek and pulled away. If I wasn't blushing before, I sure would be now. "I don't."

I tried to change the subject. "I guess I'll see you whenever you come back to New York City then."

"Yeah. I guess so."

I looked down at the ground and kicked a few stray rocks. He grabbed my hand and made me jump a little, but I looked up. Once again, our eyes locked and I wanted nothing more than to kiss him. Right there. But I knew how wrong it was; How much it'd hurt Kevin; How stupid it'd be to kiss Joe right in front of the tour bus where Kevin was in.  
He let go of my hand and smiled. "Don't forget to call me," he said in his classic not-so serious Joe voice. "Especially since my birthday's coming up soon."

"You got it," I said, trying to hide my breaking heart as I choked out two little words. "Bye Joe." Tears stung my eyes, but I fought them. I wasn't letting Joe see me like that again.

He smiled that goodbye smile that I also hated and went onto the bus. All three of them waved out their windows as the bus left, and I waved until I couldn't see them anymore.

And then I cried.


	25. Take On Me

A little over two weeks had passed since they left. You wanna know what happened? Nothing. At least, not until today.

It was Joe's birthday today, and I know I promised him that I would call, but I every time I tried, I'd get to six digits and choke on the last one, hanging up quickly. I was just too scared that hearing his voice would make me miss them even more; and then I'd break.

Sure, Kevin had texted me something every day since they've been on tour, but it wasn't the same thing anyway. If I didn't hear the voice, I'd be okay.

I grabbed my cell phone and even though my hand was a little unsteady, I texted Joe:

**Hey, Happy 19th Birthday!**

He didn't respond for a while, and I realized that they were probably busy with a photo shoot or an interview or something. I guess I hadn't gotten used to the new schedule.

Then, a half hour later, my phone began ringing, making me jump a little.

I looked at the text that read:

_Oh, so she is alive after all. I think I hear the Hallelujah chorus!_

**Haha. Very funny.**

_I miss not hearing you. Hint. Hint._

I smiled a little at his not so subtle hinting.

**I'm not calling you.**

_Fine then. :'(_

**You are such a drama queen.**

_Pleeeeeeaaaaaaase? It's my Birthday for crying out loud._

I knew I wouldn't be able to handle hearing him, as bad as I wanted to.

**Fine. Give me a second.**

Slowly, but surely I dialed his number. It barely rang once when he picked up.

"Hey there." My heart pounded. It felt like he was right there next to me.

"Hey. Are you having fun?"

"You have no idea. This is awesome Kenz, seriously." Then he slyly added, "Course, it'd be even more awesome if you were here."

"Oh stop. You're gonna make me blush," I said, being sarcastic, but I think I felt my cheeks getting warm.

"Hey Joe! We gotta go do a set!" I heard someone yelling in the background.

"'Kay! Just give me a second!" I heard him yell back. "Listen, I gotta go, but can you not fall off the face of the earth and call me sometime?"

"Yeah, sure," I said. "But Joe."

"Yeah?"

"The phone line works _both_ ways." Then I hung up.

I sprawled out on the couch, realizing just how painless that was. Maybe I was just overreacting.

Just then, Ayden and Sarah came stumbling in for the fifth time this week. Only this time, they weren't on each other's faces.

Ayden kissed her quickly on her cold, evil lips and ran off to his room. He must've forgotten something.

Sarah glared at me for a second, and I was dead sure she was going to grab a knife from the kitchen and finish me off. But she just went over and sat on the stool at the kitchen counter.

She cleared her throat once. Twice. Three times...four, five, six.

Finally I looked up to see if she was choking on her own bitterness, but instead she just looked at me with it.

"So," she started, "are you still dating Kevin?"

"Uh-huh," I said, turning my attention to the TV.

"And you and Joe have absolutely nothing going on?" she said suspiciously.

"Nope."

She scoffed. "Liar."

I turned back to her again. "What do you know?"

"I know you both are crazy about one another," she said, bored.

"Please. You don't know anything about feelings unless they're bad."

She rolled her eyes. "Do you really think I'm that evil?" she said, her tone sounding almost human.

"Yeah," I said knowingly. "I do actually."

"Well I'm not," she said as if, just like that, I'd believe it.

"I've seen you in action. Trust me, you are." I didn't care how mean I sounded; I knew she'd be able to take it. It's just who she was.

She tapped her freshly manicured fingernails on the countertop. "I guess I'm just gonna have to prove you wrong then."

Before I could come back with anything, Ayden came bursting out of his room, a bag in hand.

"Got it," he smiled.

"What is that?"

"Party stuff," he said vaguely. Translation: Tequila and Captain Morgan. "We're gonna be gone a while. Are you gonna be okay?"

"Yep." They were halfway out the door when Sarah turned around, and smiled back at me.

Well that was weird.


	26. Believe It Or Not

_Fall 2008_

A whole month went by and I was getting edgy. I had to see at least one of them; even Nick or Frankie would suffice. I missed them so much it hurt.

I had finally managed to actually talk to Kevin and I was scared like I was with Joe. Once again though, my prediction was wrong.

Sure, when I talked to Kevin my heart didn't go all crazy, but I felt this sort of comfort when I heard his voice. And that felt just as good as the adrenaline burst.

Nick and I had short one-liner texting conversations every now and again, and I would always ask how everyone was, everyone being Joe. But he'd always go along with it. I was really starting to see him as my brother; I just felt like he'd have my back if something went wrong.

I stuck to texting Joe, so that way he wouldn't get caught talking to me even though he said there was no way that would happen. I wasn't so confident.

Sarah seemed to be warming up to me, always asking me how I was doing and what I was going to do without that snotty attitude she used to have. I didn't understand her sudden interest in me now. Actually, I didn't understand her interest in Ayden. I mean, he wasn't rich, he had absolutely no connections, and he's a complete slob.

I'd already wasted a whole summer trying to figure that one out, and tonight I was home after my first day of school; my senior year.

I just hoped the boys were having more fun where they were...

**JOE'S POINT OF VIEW **

All these teenage girls yelling how much they love me, and this normally would make me happy. But tonight, I just wanted one to say it...

Nick, Kevin, and I lined up at the table as the girls lined up, eager and ready for our autographs and a quick 'Hi' and 'How'd you like the concert'. You know, stuff like that.

Like most of the time, the girls went to Nick first, giggling and smiling. If it wasn't him first, it was me. Every so often Kevin would get one.

Tonight he did.

She stood there, cool and collected, as he took the picture from a pile on the table. He didn't even look up at her at first; but he did have a girlfriend.

"What's your name?" he casually asked, managing to look up at her and smiling slightly.

"Layna," she replied coolly.

He signed it as she started a casual conversation. "So, did you guys have fun?" she asked, but she only looked at him.

"Absolutely," he said, handing her the paper. She grabbed an edge, but she didn't take it from him just yet.

"So, is it true?" she asked. "Are you dating someone?"

He smiled. "Nope. They're rumors," he lied, but Makenzie wanted it that way. She didn't want that publicity.

"Really? 'Cause there was some magazine that said you were dating some girl from New York."

"Nope," he replied simply.

"Well then," she started slyly as she ripped off a corner of the picture and took the Sharpie from his hand, "here's my number. Call me sometime." Then she was gone.

Kevin looked down at the number and rolled his eyes. "That was...interesting."

"You aren't gonna call her are you?" I asked suspiciously. I didn't want him to hurt Makenzie like that even if we sort of did the same to him.

Nick kicked my foot under the table. I guess I sounded too involved.

"Do you think I'm an idiot? I'm not doing that." He signed the last girl's picture. Then he walked off.

"Okay," I said, as I signed my last picture. But I don't think I ever saw him throw that number away.

**MAKENZIE'S POINT OF VIEW **

I sat on my bed, the white envelope in my hands again. I continuously argued silently with myself. I didn't know if I was ready to do it yet; if I could handle it.

Slowly but surely, I started to rip the envelope, slipping a small white piece of paper out of it.

I unfolded it, and read it.

One tear rolled down my face, but a small smile formed at the corner of my mouth.

I should've opened that sooner.


	27. One Thing

"Hey," I said to Kevin over the phone, my voice more cheerful than normal. "How's everything going? Gotten hit on by any girls lately?" I joked.

"I was about to say the same thing," he said in an under the breath sort of tone. I furrowed my eyebrows, confused.

"Were were gonna ask if I got hit on by any girls?" I said sarcastically. My good mood had made my humor come back, even though it wasn't any good.

"Not funny."

"What is going on?" I asked, concerned. "This isn't like you."

"Well I didn't think it was like you to...you know what? Never mind."

"Kevin -"

"I said never mind. Nothing's wrong." His tone wasn't convincing.

"Is that why you called me? To be vague and then pretend like something is bothering you?" I tried keeping my tone at a reasonable level so he wouldn't think I was accusing him of anything.

His tone suddenly turned from sour to sympathetic. "I'm sorry," was all he said.

"Don't be sorry," I said quickly. "Don't worry about it."

He paused. "Look, I gotta run. I'll talk to you later, 'kay?"

"Sure thing."

Click.

Just like that my mood turned.

What _was_ his problem?

**KEVIN'S POINT OF VIEW **

_A few hours earlier... _  
"What did you ever do with that girl's number?" Joe asked as we sat in the bus on the way to a concert in San Antonio.  
"Why? Do you want it?" I joked.

"No," he said defiantly. "I was just making sure you weren't -"

"Let me guess," I said warily. "Calling her and cheating on Makenzie?"

"Well, yeah. Pretty much."

"Why are you so involved with this?" I asked. "You never cared about any of the other girls I dated. Why should she be any different?" Even though she was way different than any of the other girls.

"I'm not," he defended.

"Dude," I heard Nick whisper to him as if to say 'You know that's not true'.

"Is there something you aren't letting me in on?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"No!" Joe said, but he voice was higher than usual. He saw my face, and knew I wasn't buying his little act. "Okay," he said, defeated. "Maybe I am a little more involved than I should be."

"What does that mean exactly?"

"It means..." he trailed off. "I kissed her," he spit out.

"You did what?!" I yelled.

Nick stood up. "Relax Kevin."

"How can I relax? He just said he kissed my girlfriend!"

"She didn't kiss back, if that's any consolation..." Joe said, his face looking down at the floor, guilty.

"Why? Why did you do it? And when?" It all came out quickly.

He shrugged. "I guess I sort of like her. And it was the night of the dinner."

"You guess you sort of like her?" I repeated. Why would he risk anything if he just 'Sort of liked her'?

"Yeah. And I'm sorry Kev, really I am. And don't blame Kenz for it either. She didn't have anything to do with it. It was all my bright idea."

"I can't believe you," I said, disappointed. "You're my brother. How could you do this to me?"

He looked up, his face full of remorse. "I'm sorry," he repeated. "It'll never happen again."

Even though I was still extremely mad at Joe, I decided to just accept his apology. If he said it wouldn't happen again, I'd just have to trust that.

But why didn't Makenzie tell me about this?

The look on her face when she looked at Joe flashed back into my memory, and so did how I felt that night. She didn't like Joe, I repeated in my head. I was just overreacting.

But what if I wasn't?

I took the piece of paper with the girl's number on it and stared at it for a minute before I shredded it into pieces. I wasn't going to be tempted, especially not when I was still mad.

I guess I'd just have to trust Makenzie, too.


	28. Confessions

"Makenzie?" I heard Joe's voice say, anxious. "We've got a problem."

"What are you talking about?" I asked, very confused.

He sighed impatiently. "I told Kevin."

"You told Kevin?" I repeated. "What did you tell him exactly?"

He paused.

"Well?" I asked impatiently.

"That we kissed," he blurted out in a small whisper.

"You what?!" I yelled. "Why did you do that?"

"He wanted to know why I was so involved with him and this number he got."

"I can't believe that you'd say that to -" Then something else registered. "Wait. Did you say he got a number?" I asked suspiciously.

He paused again. "Maybe..." he trailed off.

"Huh. Well at least this explains why he was acting so strange on the phone," I said, thinking out loud.

"He called you?"

"Yeah. And now I get why he was freaking out when I joked about girls hitting on him."

"You didn't say anything else did you?"

"No." I paused for a second. "Why?"

"Just making sure."

"You didn't say anything else did you?" I asked, repeating his question.

"Don't worry. I made sure to tell him that you didn't kiss me back."

I sighed in relief.

"Well I gotta go. See ya," he added.

"Later," Then he hung up.

I threw the phone down on my bed, took my pillow, and screamed in it. I just couldn't believe that Joe told Kevin about the kiss. And I really hoped that he didn't say anything else about that night...

I heard a small knock on my door. "Who is it?" I asked.

"Sarah. Can we talk?" I heard her mumble.

"No," I said sharply.

She opened the door anyway.

"Did I say come in?" I said with all the attitude I had.

She sighed. "I know you think I'm just some stuck up beauty queen or something."

"Yeah, no kidding."

"There's more to me than that, she stated.

I remained unconvinced. "Oh yeah? Like what?"

"My mom's dead," she said almost nonchalantly.

I didn't say anything, even when she sat down next to me.

Then she started telling her story.

"You see, my mom was in a car accident when I was seven. It changed my family a lot. Dad got remarried to some gold digger in Manhattan and I blame her for the way I am now."

"You mean pompous and all Prada?" I didn't mean to joke, but I kept thinking that she was the same evil Sarah she always was. Not the one that actually suffered a loss like me.

"Yeah. Pretty much," she said plainly. "Ayden told me about your dad. I guess you and I finally have some sort of common ground now, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess so..." I said, and it seemed so strange. Me having common ground with Sarah? What a hard concept to grasp.

"Do you ever wish your mom was still around?" she asked.

I hesitated. "I don't really feel comfortable talking about this to you. No offense."

"How about you and Kevin? Can I talk about that?"

"Why?"

"I just wanted to know how everything was going."

"Honestly...not so well," I admitted. "I kissed Joe." I confessed, the words slipping easily out of my mouth. Was I seriously talking to Sarah about this?

"I figured."

"Huh?"

"Like I couldn't see that something was going on between you two during that double date."

"Oh. Right."

"Sarah?" I heard Ayden yell. "Sarah? Are you in here?" Ayden peeked his head into my room.

"Hey Ayden," Sarah said, getting off the bed and walking to him. "We were just talking."

"Yep."

"Oh yeah?" he said, a little unconvinced. I didn't keep my disdain for Sarah secret.

"Seriously. It's cool," I said.

"Okay then. You ready to go Sarah?"

"Uh huh." Then she turned to me. "Can we talk about this later?"

"Okay," I said, and I thought I detected a smile on her face.

And right then, as much as I hated to admit it, I didn't hate Sarah.


	29. Write You A Song

**Author's Note: Just wanted to tell iwanttodancewithsomebody that the reviews are NOT annoying, that they're greatly appreciated. All of them are. So thank you to everyone who reads and reviews! **

It was hard to grasp the concept of me and Sarah actually becoming...friends. Whenever I thought about it, I'd just laugh. It seemed so ridiculous and impossible.

But then I remembered that her and I actually had something in common; a dead parent.

Sure, it wasn't the most pleasant thing to have in common, but it was better than nothing.

When Riley and Alessa came over, I had even told her about the whole Kevin/Joe thing. It felt weird, but for some reason, I felt like I could trust her now that I knew why she was so evil.

Alessa, on the other hand, didn't seem to feel that way.

"I can't believe you trust her now. After all you told me about her..." she said, shaking her head.

"I know, and I was wrong okay? She's not so bad."

"I don't know..." she said skeptically. "I feel like there's something she's hiding, that's all."

"Relax, Less. It's fine," I tried reassuring her.

"Okay..." she said, and I knew she wasn't convinced.

But I just didn't think there was anything to worry about with her. It was Joe I wasn't trusting so much.

Ever since I found out that he told Kevin about our kiss, I just didn't want to talk to him. I didn't feel like I could trust him anymore.

Kevin never once mentioned that he knew about the kiss, but whenever I asked how everyone was, and I did mean everyone, there would be this tension that would build up. I wanted that tension to go away.

It broke my heart that I was probably breaking Kevin's heart.

It broke my heart that I was probably breaking Joe's heart, too.

Joe had been attempting to talk to me with random texts and a phone call every so often. I wouldn't reply to the texts and I wouldn't pick up the phone.

That broke my heart even more.

He'd leave me a voicemail message every time he called, always whispering really low and it was the same thing every time.

"Hey, it's me. Please pick up your phone..." Then a short pause before a mumbled, "I miss you." Then he'd hang up.  
Needless to say, I replayed them over and over again; I think I was trying to torture myself.

I lay on the couch, my neon green iPod Nano on, and I put it on shuffle. The first song to come on:  
Look What You've Done.

I skipped it and the next song was:  
Cheatin'

I pushed down on the button hard in my frustration and what other song would pop up but:  
Only Hope; Joe's favorite song.

Even my iPod was making me feel guilty.

I shut it off right when Ayden walked in, throwing a package at me.

"Gee thanks," I said, my voice oozing sarcasm.

"Sorry." He didn't sound even remotely sorry, but I let it go. "I'm in a hurry. I was supposed to meet Sarah about an hour ago."

"Ohhh, she's gonna be mad at you!" I teased, looking down at the package in my hands. My heart started beating uncontrollably.

"Ha ha. I really have to go. You good?" he asked, already halfway out the door.

"Mm-hm," I managed to say, but he was already gone.

My hands were shaky as I started to open the package. I pulled out what was inside, and it was a DVD. My eyebrows raised curiously and I debated whether or not I should watch it.

I popped it in the DVD player, being a bit careless with it, and pushed play as I went to sit on the couch.

I saw Joe's face, up close and personal, as he adjusted the camera.

My heart was beating faster than ever as he started talking.

"Hey. In case you can't tell, I'm in a bathroom stall at some rest stop in Pennsylvania. See what I've had to do to get to talk to you?" His tone had humor in it, but I could tell he was secretly hurting.

"Look, I know you're mad at me for what I said to Kevin, and I'm sorry. But it was bound to get out eventually."

I sighed, knowing he was right. But it didn't mean that I wasn't still mad at him.

"Every time I call, you don't answer, so I guess I'll just have to do this here..."

I grew curious and confused, my heart still going crazy.

He cleared his throat. "Sorry if this kind of sucks. I didn't have much time to write it, and the video quality isn't the greatest. Plus, you can't fit a guitar into a bathroom stall."

I still hadn't quite connected the dots until he started to sing.

_I can see it in your eyes.  
As much as you try to disguise.  
I can tell you're losing hope.  
You're sick of having to cope._

But if you let me in your heart, you'll see  
Exactly how happy you can really be.  
Take my hand, just take it all  
Take all of me and I'll catch you when you fall.

'Cause there's a rain that just won't stop fallin'  
Until I can make you mine.  
I've got a heart that just won't stop callin'  
You  
And I've already crossed that line.  
So please... Choose me tonight.

I heard someone yell his name in the background just then, and he moaned.

"Coming!" I heard him yell.

Then the TV went black.

I wiped away the few tears that managed to escape, and I put my head in my hands.

Why was I still with Kevin? It was so blatantly obvious Joe was the one I really wanted.

But I couldn't let go of Kevin.

And I couldn't let go of Joe either.

Life was just too complicated.


	30. Kiss Me

**Author's Note: Joe's song didn't have a name...I wrote it myself, and I never named it.**

For the past couple of days, I had replayed Joe's song over and over again in my head. The same line always got to me..._ Please choose me tonight. _

If only it was that simple.

I had told Sarah about it, and she had a mix of Riley's advice and Sarah's. 'You do only live once. But what you're doing is unfair to all of you.'

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I haven't heard _that_ before.

My cell phone started ringing, making me jump a bit. Turns out it was a text from Kevin that said:

We're back in New York...Could you meet me?

**Where? **

He sent me the address, telling me to wait a couple of hours.

What did he have planned?

I grabbed a jacket as soon as a few hours passed and headed out the door, bumping into Sarah and Ayden on the way. I think Sarah had a hunch about what was going on, but I there wasn't any time to chat. I started wandering aimlessly trying to find out where that place was. Then my cell phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey Makenzie."

"Kevin?" I asked.

"Who else were you expecting?" he accused.

"Nobody. It's just that...Are you drunk?"

"Maybe..." He swallowed hard. "It is my 21st birthday after all."

Oh my God. I totally forgot. "Is that what you had planned for us tonight? Getting wasted?"

"Planned? I didn't plan anything with you."

"But there was a text message..."

Then it all clicked.

"I never sent you a text message."

"I guess I was making it up..." I lied.

"So what are your plans? Doing my brother maybe."

My jaw dropped. "How dare you accuse me of that," I said sharply.

"Well you've kissed him. Might as well take the next step."

"Kevin -"

Click.

I was furious with him being cold and accusing, but I was mostly furious for the fact that he was right. About the kissing part anyway.

I rushed over to the apartment building that "Kevin" had given me the directions to. I didn't need them anymore anyway. I knew exactly where it was now that I knew exactly who it was.

I went to the exact same apartment that Joe and I had been that night I confessed everything about my past and sure enough, I was right.

Joe stood there, looking anxious as he rushed over to me.

"Look, before you get mad at me for tricking you, let me just say that my intentions are completely honorable and I'm not going to try and put any moves on you to -"

I kissed Joe, not being gentle or holding anything back, and his rambling stopped abruptly.

After a good two minutes, we pulled away and Joe was just as shocked as I was at what I had just done.

"Well, that was unexpected," he finally said.

"I'm sorry," I said. "What were you saying?"

"Ummm..." He thought for a minute. "I was saying that I wasn't gonna pull anything on you tonight, and I'm sorry about the DVD, too..."

"Don't be," I said, still a bit mad from what Kevin said. "The song's great Joe."

He smiled for a quick second, then his face was full of confusion. "Why did you kiss me?"

"I was mad," I admitted. "I do some pretty impulsive things when I'm mad."

"Yeah. I see that."

"I'm sorry," I said quickly. "Now I feel horrible."

"You know, as horrible as this may sound, I don't," Joe admitted. "I feel really great actually."

"I wish you didn't say that."

"Why?"

"Because that's exactly how I feel too," I said, looking down at the floor, guilty.

Joe lifted my head up, grabbing my chin and looking me in the eyes. My heart was beating slower. Or faster. I couldn't tell.

"We shouldn't do this," I whispered.

"No." he whispered back, still holding my chin and my gaze.

"This isn't...this isn't..." God, what was that word I was looking for?

"Fair," Joe finished for me. "Yeah, I know."

Everything we were doing, everything we were feeling, was wrong. So wrong.

But it just felt so right.

He lifted up my head, kissed me, and I didn't pull away. Not even for a second did that cross my mind.

Right in that moment, the only things that existed was Joe and me.

And right then, I couldn't have felt more alive.


	31. Mercy

"I'm _so_ sorry!" Kevin apologized quickly as he stood in the doorway of my apartment. "I really am! I don't know what got into me!"

"You mean besides vodka and tequila?" But he didn't deserve that snarky remark; what I did was so much worse than what he said.

He looked at me, his eyes so full of nothing but remorse. I knew he meant it, but I was still being eaten away by the guilt of what Joe and me had been doing behind his back for the past three days...

"I don't know what I was thinking..." he said. "It's just...when Joe said he kissed you...I wanted to kill him. I was terrified of losing you."

Then he uttered those three little words, and my heart totally shattered. "I love you."

"Kevin, no you don't," I said, sadness in my voice.

"Yes I do," he said defiantly.

"Well, you _shouldn't_!"

"Why not?"

"Because!" A lump formed in my throat, making it hard to say anything. I couldn't just tell him the obvious reason, so I tried hard to make one up. "I mean, you can legally drink. I can't even buy lottery tickets." That, sadly, was the best I could think of.

He laughed a little. "Seriously?"

I laughed too, but it was that nervous shaky laugh. You know, the one you used whenever you were hiding something big?

I couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell him.

"Kevin, there's something I need to -" But Sarah cut in.

"Makenzie. I need to ask you something. In your room."

"Just a second, Sarah. I really need to -"

"Trust me. You don't."

She dragged me into my room without letting me answer again. She shut the door, standing in front of it so I wouldn't escape.

"Sarah, I've got to tell Kevin the truth. This is killing me."

She walked over, putting both her hands on my shoulders. "Makenzie," she said slowly. "Do you wanna break Kevin's heart?"

"No, but -"

"Then don't say anything. Not right now anyway. Give him a couple days. The guy just told you he loved you for God's sake."

"Which is exactly why I need to come clean. Right now. If we get any further into this, it's just going to kill him..."

"Are you having fun with Joe? Yes or no. I don't want some long explanation."

"Yes..."

"And do you want to still be friends with Kevin?"

"Yes, but not at the expense of -"

"What did I say about the long explanations?"

I sighed and waited for her to continue.

"You can't have them both if you confess."

"I'm not quite getting what you're saying here."

"Just trust me. Don't say anything. Not yet."

I still had no clue what she was talking about, but I just went along with it. "Okay. Fine."

She smiled and left the room.

I walked out and Kevin had a perplexed look on his face. "Are you and Sarah friends now?"

"Er...sort of," I said. "It's a long story," I said, answering his question before he even said it.

"So what was it that you wanted to tell me?"

I hesitated. "Um, well you see...the truth is..."

He looked at me, waiting for what I was going to say.

"I'm not ready to say it back yet."

"It," he repeated.

"You know...the l-o-v-e thing," I said, spelling it out. That's how big of a wuss I was. I couldn't even say the word.

"Oh," Then a small smile spread across his face. "Is that all?"

"Huh?" That wasn't exactly the reaction I was expecting.

"I thought you were breaking up with me."

"Oh."

He looked me straight in the eyes as he spoke, his tone pretty serious. "Listen Makenzie. I wasn't expecting you to say anything back, okay? I just...I needed to get that out there."

"I'm sorry," I said again, only this time I wasn't referring to the love thing; not that he would notice.

"I told you not to worry about it." He said it in such a way that made me hate him for being so understanding and sweet and all those other things he was, because I knew exactly what I was doing to him.

But I did it anyway.

Why did my head and heart always have to be on totally different pages?


	32. Rumors

I had to go for a walk, I decided conclusively. That would help clear my head a bit.

Yeah right.

Everything I passed reminded me of something. The movie theater that Kevin and I had our first "date", the restaurant that we all went to the night before the left for their tour, the apartment building Joe and I have been sneaking around in for the past couple days; the very same one where I spilled my heart. And the club, the place where it all started. If I hadn't gone...this mess would've never happened.

I walked into my apartment, and was caught off guard as someone snatched me around the waist, pressed me against the wall, and started kissing me. A lot.

I didn't have to open my eyes to know it was Joe, and I didn't want to pull away from him either. I never did. But today it was different.

"Stop," I finally gasped. "I talked to Kevin today."

His eyes widened. "What'd you say?"

"Nothing. Sarah stopped me."

His eyes went back to normal and he let out a sigh of relief.

"But he finally apologized for the drunken call."

"Took him long enough," he said bitterly.

"Joe. Relax. You know what he said was pretty damn close to what we've been doing."

He looked down at his feet guiltily, and ruffled his long hair. "So what? Are we done with this now?" I could tell by the look in his eyes as he stared at me he felt like I did.

I wanted to do this so bad, and I had the impulse to just take him right here, right now, and kiss him until neither of us could breathe anymore. But I didn't want to do this either. I think we both knew why.

"He said he loved me," I said just to throw it out there.

He rubbed the back of his neck. "What about you?"

"I said I wasn't ready to say it."

A mix of relief and disappointment danced around his face. "Does that mean that you do love him though?"

The honest truth was, I think I might. But not nearly enough as he deserved.

"I don't know," I said instead.

"You mean to say, it's been like four months since I've asked you that question, and you still don't know?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

He laughed, but not with humor. "This is nuts."

"No kidding," I said, as I took a drink of Ayden's Powerade that was sitting on the counter.

"I love you," he blurted out.

I started choking on Powerade.

"Not exactly the reaction I was going for," he said, as I stopped coughing and gagging. "You okay?"

"No. Not really," I said a bit sharply. "You just made things a zillion times worse, actually."

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Why?"

"Because now I have two brothers who love me, and I have no idea what to do anymore!" I rubbed my head.

"Does this mean you don't love me either?"

"Joe! Not helping me!"

Just then, his iPhone started to ring, and he flipped it out. "Hello? Oh, hey Nick, what's -" He stopped talking, and started listening to what Nick was saying.

"Oh," he said, emotionless. He listened more, his expression the same as his tone. "Get over to Makenzie's with it. Now." Then he hung up.

Joe turned to look at me, and after five minutes of silence he said, "We have a problem."

"What?"

He hesitated, and started pacing around. "Look, Nick'll explain it when he gets here. But until then, you'll just have to wait and -"

"Oh no you don't!" I said. "Tell me something now Joseph." I warned.

He walked quickly over to the window, looking outside. "Come on Nick. Hurry up already."

"Joe!"

"What?"

"Would you just tell me already?"

He continued pacing around. "I don't know if I really wanna say. I want to wait until there are witnesses here to prove you killed me."

"Joe, stop joking and tell me, or else I _will_ kill you." I was getting frustrated.

He didn't say anything again, and I just gave up. I could wait another five minutes until Nick got here.

A pounding knock came on the door, and I ran over to the door before Joe could reach it.

"Nick, you'd better tell me what's going on, or else I'm going to -"

But I didn't need to say anything else, and neither did he. He had everything in his hands right now.

It was some gossip magazine, and on the front cover was a picture of me. And I was kissing Joe. And it was definitely _not_ photo shopped.

"We are so screwed," I whispered, as every part of me began falling and shattering.


	33. Misery Loves Its Company

I grabbed the paper from Nick's hands hastily and gawked at it. How did someone get this? Or more importantly, _who_ got this?

I looked at the headline that read: **Ho's Over Bros? **Great. Now I was a ho. I also noticed a small picture of Kevin and me in the corner.

I was so mad, I could hardly concentrate enough to read the article. The anonymous article to be exact.

_Kevin Jonas, in the picture to the left with girlfriend Makenzie Matthews, has been unaware that his girlfriend's been sneaking around with his brother, Joe Jonas._

I scoffed. "Nicely put," I sneered, then continued reading.

_Sources say the two have been wanting to do this since the beginning, but only really did anything about it a few weeks ago, when Joe sang her a song. It was posted on their YouTube account last night. The link is as follows: /015670064 _

"What?!" I screamed. "They have the freakin' YouTube video of the song?!" Inside me, fear, guilt, and anxiety bubbled in me. This couldn't be happening. Not like this.

"Don't worry. I'm deleting it right now," Nick said. "Someone hacked into our account."

I continued reading. How did they get all this?

_How did we get all this information? _

Huh. It read my mind.

_Simple. Secret sources have been undercover unearthing this information. And we have evidence (See photo above). Makenzie even stated herself from one of our unnamed sources that she has been sneaking around.  
Matthews' ex-boyfriend Derek Jackson states, "She was always very secretive. I wouldn't be shocked if she was cheating on me when we went out."_

"Hah!" I said out loud. Right. I was the whore in that relationship. What a bunch of bull.

_One question still remains: What will happen between Makenzie, Kevin, and Joe. Does she confess? Or let him find this article for himself? _

__

Our bets are on the second one.

I wanted to crumple up the article and pelt whoever wrote it with it a million times over. No one had a right to dig through this stuff. Even if I did deserve all those nasty comments I was sure to get on YouTube. Or the streets.  
"How did they find all this stuff?" I asked, to no one in particular.

"I don't know." Joe said, and you could tell by his tone he was elsewhere.

"This article sounds like a thirteen-year-old wrote it. It's barely professional," I pointed out.

"Wow. These comments are nasty," Nick mumbled. I walked over and looked at them, but he seemed uncomfortable having me see them.

Most went as follows: 'What a whore.' 'If I ever see her, I'll kill her for hurting Kevin like that.' 'Why would she do that?'

Yet, nothing about Joe who wrote the song. Where's the fairness in this? I wasn't the only one to blame here.

"How...Why...What...?" I clamped one of my hands to my forehead. My head was killing me suddenly.

My heart wasn't doing so well either.

A thought popped into my head, and I ran into my bedroom searching for the DVD. It wasn't there.

"Oh, my God," I muttered to myself in pure anger.

I stormed back into the room, pacing suddenly and quickly. Nick and Joe both looked at me like I was about to have a mental breakdown. Then again...it was always a possibility.

"I think I know who found this stuff," I said, my voice hard, as I tried calming down.

"Who?" Joe asked.

"Does Sarah know your YouTube password?"

He hesitated. "Joe!" Nick said. "You told her the freakin' password?"

"Maybe..." he trailed off guiltily.

"She had the key to the apartment, too," I said. "Ayden gave it to her. She probably snuck in here, stole the DVD, and put it on YouTube."

I couldn't believe it. I trusted her, and she betrayed me. I should've stuck with my first instinct. That Sarah was pure evil.

"I told her about the whole situation, too. This is all my fault." How could I be so stupid?

Joe walked over towards me. "Makenzie, it's my fault, too. I shouldn't have given her that password."

"So what? I told her the whole story. If I didn't say anything, she wouldn't have found out in the first place."

But the picture. How did she get that?

It must've been the night Kevin called me drunk. It was the only time she was ever really around to get a picture.

I heard the door creak open, only to find the Devil herself smirking at us victoriously.

"Hello Makenzie," she said coolly.

I wanted to kill her. Right then and there as I looked at her red hair and her cold eyes; those stupid stilettos and that Prada dress.

I hated everything about her.

"You little bitch!" I sneered, and I ran over to her, grabbing her and pushing her against the wall holding her down. She wasn't getting away.

"Makenzie," I heard Joe say, telling me to calm down.

I ignored him. "How could you do that to me?" I asked sharply, my eyes pinned on hers. "I let my guard down. I trusted you. And you were basically bullshitting me the whole time." My voice was surprisingly calm for what I was saying, and my grip loosened, barely.

"You wrote the article." It wasn't a question.

"Well, actually my mom did."

"Well excuse me - Wait a minute!" I said. "You said your mom was in a car crash and -"

"She was."

"- and that she was dead," I finished.

"She is. To me. Or at least, she was until this article."

I couldn't believe her. How could she?

Oh. Right. She was evil. My bad for forgetting that.

"Is everything else you said a lie, too?"

"What I said wasn't a lie. I was merely leaving out details."

I gritted my teeth so I wouldn't punch her. "Is there anything else that you forgot to leave details out of then?"

"Nope," she said, a smile on her face. "Everything else was completely detailed."

"Why? Why did you do it?"

She scoffed. "Please Makenzie. I'd do anything for fame."

I was extremely confused. "How does this give you fame? You don't even have your name in it."

She laughed. "Trust me. I have sources."

"Way to be vague," I heard Nick whisper. She gave him a cold stare, and I gripped her tighter against the wall again.

"Do you mind? You're kind of hurting me here."

"Good," I snapped.

She laughed another bitter chuckle. "But it couldn't possibly hurt as bad as you're hurting Kevin."

Her icy cold words reminded me. Kevin. Oh no. I was so wrapped up in trying not to kill Sarah, I had forgotten about Kevin. How could I be so awful?

I had to face it; I deserved every little thing that had happened to me. Every single one.

My grip once again loosened on Sarah. "You're right," I said softly. "You are _so_ right."  
She scoffed. "Of course I am."

I ignored her and let her go, as I walked over to Joe. "We have to tell him before he sees this," I said, looking him straight in the eyes. His eyes looked as guilty as I felt.  
"Yeah, we do," he agreed quietly.

I heard the door slam. Sarah had walked out. Oh well. I didn't care anymore about her anyway. All I cared about was making this as quick and painless as possible for Kevin.

But I didn't think that was possible.


	34. Please Be Mine

**Author's Note: Makenzie's Description: Okay, so I've never really had a dead set description of what Makenzie looked like, but I'd say something like wavy brown hair that falls to her lower back and big brown-hazel eyes that always seem very intense, as I've sort of described before. I'm not too great at the whole describing thing, but that's the best I could do. And you can really picture her however you want to.**

**And I'll possibly be updating with another chapter later tonight, depending on whether or not I get on the computer again.**

"Oh, hey Makenzie. What's up?" Kevin asked, standing in the front door of his hotel room. "Joe. What are you doing out there?" he added when he saw Joe standing against the wall.

"Joe. Come on," I urged.

He shook his head. "That's okay. I'm good."

What a chicken, I thought as I rolled my eyes.

"What's going on?"

I looked down at my feet. "Could I come in?"

"Sure..." he said, obviously a little baffled. "You coming too, Joe?"

He didn't respond but he walked right in.

The second he shut the door, I wanted to run. I couldn't do this to him. He didn't deserve what was coming to him.

"What is it that you wanna tell me?" he asked, sitting down on a chair in the corner.

I looked at Joe, and Joe looked at his feet. He wasn't going to be much help.

"Kevin, there's something I, _we_, need to tell you," I said, only looking at his eyes for a second, then quickly diverting them to the ground. I_ can't believe this is happening._

"We?" he repeated. "What?"

I looked over at Joe again. He was looking up this time, but only out the window.

"I...We...God, I don't even know how to put this..."

He pursed his lips. "How about something to the affect that you've been sneaking around behind my back with Joe for the past few weeks and that you're really sorry?" he said in such a bitterness that I had only ever heard from him once when he was drunk.

Now that I knew he was stone cold sober, it hurt even worse.

"You know?" Joe said.

"Yeah I know," he snapped. "I saw the magazine this morning on my way to Starbuck's. I thought it was phony until I saw the YouTube video." He looked at me, and I could see it in his eyes; the pain, the anger. Everything he felt was right there in his eyes. And it killed me.

"Kevin, we never wanted to hurt you -" I started, but he cut me off.

"Oh?" he said bitterly. "You didn't think this thing you guys had would hurt me?" He laughed, not with the laugh I loved, but the bitter humorless one. "I trusted you guys when Joe said you kissed. I really wanted to believe that it didn't mean anything."

His voice broke at the same time my heart did.

"I'm really sorry Kevin," Joe said.

Kevin's eyes burned with resentment. "_You_. _You_ said you wouldn't do anything. You're my brother. How could you even dare do this to me?"

"I know," Joe said, and his face was etched in guilt. "I-I'm sorry," he stammered.

Kevin laughed that laugh again, and it made my skin crawl.

"Kevin, if there's anyone you should be mad at, it's me. I shouldn't have -"

"There you go again Makenzie. Taking all the blame for something." He looked at me, and it was like he was begging for mercy. "Please. Stop doing that. You weren't the only one in this, you know."

"But don't put it all on him -"

"You're standing up for him."

"No. It's not like that -"

He put one hand up, telling me to stop. "Quit it with the excuses. I've heard enough."

I swallowed hard, and tears welled up in my eyes.

Then Kevin turned over to only me, and he grabbed both of my hands. "Makenzie," was all he said at first.  
So I waited for him to finish.

"Listen, call me crazy, but I love you and -"

"Oh God," I moaned. "Kevin, don't say that. I don't deserve that. You shouldn't -"

"- and I still want to be with you," he finished. "I don't care what you did with him. I can forget it." He said 'him' in such a resentful way...What had I done to these brothers?

"How?" I asked softly. "How can you possibly forget this? I cheated on you Kevin. With your brother." Okay, he probably didn't need that little reminder.

"I know," he said stiffly. "And I've been sitting here for the past three hours thinking about it. I don't want to lose you."

"Kevin..." I said in a miserable way. "You don't deserve me. Can't you see that? You may love me, but I will never be able to love you back the way you deserve. Not even if I wanted to. It's just the way it is."

And that was the whole truth, as bad as it may hurt.

"No. I don't believe that," I heard Joe say. "You can; you just won't let yourself."

I was surprised to hear Joe in the conversation. It was rather...daring of him.

"Joe, what are you saying?"

"I'm saying you can love someone, you just need to stop being scared," he said quietly.

"Choose," Kevin said out of nowhere.

"Huh?"

"Choose. Him. Or me."

"Are you serious? You're giving me a choice?"

"Yes. Now choose."

I already knew what I had to do. It wasn't like it was hard to know which one was right; it was just hard to do.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered, and then I said my choice.


	35. How Far We've Come

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

I walked over to Joe, and I could feel the tears already forming in my eyes. "Joe…" I started softly, "I don't think I can even put into words what you've done to help me…or how grateful I am for it."

I leaned in closer, and whispered in his ear ."I don't want to do this…"

I couldn't look at him when I spoke anymore. "I'm so sorry Joe. I can't do this anymore. "

All I could do was look down at my feet. I already knew the look that must've been on his face.

I walked over to where Kevin was, who seemed a little shocked. "Hey Kevin," I said, a meek smile on my face.

"Uh…hey," he said. He was still baffled.

"Kevin, you are a really sweet guy. And I know that you'll always be there…"

Here goes everything.

"But you don't deserve me. You deserve someone who is equally sweet and equally loyal. That's something I'm not."

I don't think either of them saw that one coming.

"And don't get started on that whole thing again about me being perfect for you or something. I don't want to hear that again. I know what's true; I'm not what you need."

Kevin still didn't say anything like I expected him to. Joe didn't say anything either.

"It's what's best for everyone," I added, hoping someone would say something; anything.

Still no response.

Tears stung my eyes more as I said those words I hated. "Goodbye guys," I choked out, and headed for the door.

"Wait."

I turned around.

"How is this best for everyone exactly?" Kevin asked, staring me straight in the eyes, but not moving closer to me. "'Cause losing you doesn't exactly qualify as the best in my book."

"It just is. Trust me." 'Trust me.' Yeah right. I'm sure that's exactly what he thinks is best. "And from now on, you won't see me ever again." I hated that fact; but it had to be true.

This time I was out the door and headed for the elevator when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around quickly to see Joe right behind me with a small smile on his face.

"What do you want?" I whispered.

"I don't think this is gonna be the last time you see us," he said, acting like he was some wise old man. "I can just feel it."

"Whatever you say, Joe." Then I turned around, got on the elevator and left them both behind for what I thought for sure was for good.

God, I'd miss them.

"I can't believe this. I can't believe her. I can't believe you," Ayden said to me after I told him the whole story. Can you tell he wasn't pleased?

"Ayden, I knew Sarah was evil from the moment I saw her. I guess I just wanted to believe there was someone else that went through what I did."

"Hey. I did, remember? He was my dad, too."

"I know. It's just that…you never seem like it bothers you. And you weren't there to see him just fade away."

He laughed, not with any humor. "It did bother me Makkie. It affected me as much as it did you. Don't forget that."

"Did you forget that Dad died today?"

"No. I didn't," he said, and he sounded genuinely sad. "Which is what makes what happened today a million times worse."

"Yeah. It does." Not only had I lost a father on this day, I'd lost two - make that three - boys that meant the world to me (Yes, even Nick).

This day royally sucked.

"Do you love Sarah?" I asked Ayden seriously.

"Do I love her? Psh, no way." In Ayden speak, that's 'You have no idea how much.' How did I know that? I spoke the same language myself.

"Do you love Joe or Kevin?" he asked in the same tone I did.

"Psh. No way." We both smiled. For the first time in a long time, we both understood each other. And we never had to say another word.

Later that night, I lay in bed just thinking about that day. And what Joe had said really stuck with me.

'I don't think this is gonna be the last time you see us. I can just feel it.'

That was just Joe being Joe though, I thought repeatedly. He didn't really believe that. And neither did I.

I'd never see them again, I just had to face it.

But, oh how wrong I would be.


	36. Mr Brightside

**Three Chapters Left Everybody! **

_Spring 2009 _

_Started out as a kiss  
How did it end up like this?  
It was only a kiss  
It was only a kiss... _

Five months. It had been five months and still no contact from any of the Jonas boys. It's not like I expected it or anything, it was inevitable, but I still found myself peeking out my window from time to time, just praying that one of them would be there.

I missed them; but that was also inevitable.

But I was doing okay, all things considered. I hadn't slipped into my old ways or anything like that. But the overwhelming pain I felt sometimes at night when I couldn't get to sleep was enough to make me want to do something rebellious and reckless. Not that it'd actually help anything, but it could keep my mind off things for a couple of minutes at least.

Ayden was feeling a bit heartbroken himself for a while there, not that he'd actually admit it. But he got over it. He even got himself a new girlfriend who, coincidentally enough, is named Sarah, too. But don't worry; she's not evil. I made sure of it.

Riley had ended her "relationship" with Jacob - for Derek. It's not like I cared that she was dating him because he was my ex; I was more worried about the fact that he's a man whore. But then again, she said their relationship was 'strictly beneficial' as she put it.

Meh. Whatever makes her happy.

Alessa wound up moving to Kentucky - or was it Tennessee? Ah, I can't remember. But she didn't keep in touch, so I guess that friendship's done.

And what exactly happened to me - besides the heartbreak? I'll tell you.

Nothing. Nata. Zilch. Zero.

Clear enough for you?

So nothing was really going on with me, nothing catastrophic or controversial. Oh, except for those girls at school that called me a whore and spray painted me blue.

I laughed it off and said that I always wanted to be like the Blue Men Group. They proceeded to call me a freak and walk away.

Hey, they didn't get any pleasure out of it at least.

Now here I was on a beautiful April day in the apartment playing Guitar Hero with Ayden (Did I mention Ayden and me were actually pretty close now?)and just for a few minutes I forgot about them. Until the radio came on.

"...And now I'd like to discuss the Jonas Brothers tour, where they kick it off right here in the Big Apple. That's right girls, Kevin, Joe, and Nick are going to be performing tonight at Times Square. I hope you got your tickets..."

Swallowing became harder and I stopped listening to what the guy on the radio had to say. I almost dropped the guitar, too.

'I don't think this is gonna be the last time you see us. I can just feel it.'

My heart started to pound anxiously. I was scared. What if this was what Joe was talking about? No. No, I won't see them. There's no way. They hate me now.

Well, they should hate me anyway.

Ayden, being the clueless guy that he is, didn't notice the guy on the radio or the look of panic on my face.

"Ayden," I managed to say, "I'm sick of playing. I'm gonna go for a walk or something."

"Okay," he said, still not looking up to see what was wrong with me. Yep. He was still the worst guardian ever.

I stepped out the door, and not even two seconds later, my cell phone rang.

I fished through my pockets and I felt the folded up piece of paper in there. I had almost forgotten about it. I took out my cell phone and looked at the I.D.

It was Nick.

At this point, I was both curious and suspicious. Joe had pulled this kind of thing on me before, and it wasn't like Nick to call me.

I answered with a faint, "Hello?"

"Makenzie?" Nick's voice said, and it sounded a bit high-pitched and edgy.

"Yeah, it's me. What's up?"

I heard him clear his throat. "It's not good."

"What is it?" I asked impatiently. I didn't want to play any games right now.

"T-there's been - there was an accident."

My heart sank.

"What happened?" I asked, concerned.

He didn't answer.

"Nick," I said as evenly as I could. "What happened?" I repeated.

"It's not good Makenzie," he repeated, and his voice sounded scared.

"Who is it?" I needed to know. Now.

He wouldn't answer me again.

"Nick. Tell me already."

As his quivering voice said the name, I dropped the phone, and I ran.

I had to get to him before it was too late.


	37. Car Crash

I didn't even know where the hospital was, or what direction I was heading, or even what I was going to do when I got there. I just knew I had to go; I couldn't risk having another Dad scenario. There was no way.

I rushed to the nearest cab I could fetch and told him to bring me to the hospital. The problem was, there is way more than one in New York City. I took a chance and guessed where he might be and crossed my fingers. Please, oh please let this be the right one, I thought as I ran out of the cab, almost forgetting to pay the driver.

My heart was pounding in my chest in a nervous scared kind of way as I went in; he had to be alright. He just had to be.

I pretty much bolted past the front desk and I heard the nurse yelling, "Miss! Miss! You aren't allowed in there!" But I didn't care. I was willing to bend the rules.

I searched around eagerly, hoping to see Nick or someone else of the Jonas clan around.

Instead, I bumped into him.

"Nick," I said, all out of breath, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to -"

"It's okay," he reassured me, and I could see by his eyes that he had been crying. I could also see that he didn't want me to know.

"Could you tell me what happened?" I asked, but it was really more of a command.

"I don't know exactly what happened, but it was a car crash. He said he was going for a drive, and then some drunk driver hit him head on." His voice was even, but I could see him trying to hide the fact that he was scared.

"There's drunk drivers out in the middle of the day?" I asked, bewildered.

He shrugged. "I guess so."

How could people be so irresponsible?

"What happened to the drunk driver?" I asked bitterly.

"He's dead," Nick replied flatly.

"Oh." I had to get off the subject of death. "How is he?" I whispered softly. "He's gonna be okay, right?"

"Right now he's unconscious; they think he might have a concussion. He's got some broken bones and he lost a lot of blood, too. But there were no internal injuries at least."

He still didn't answer my question, I thought. "How is he though?" I repeated.

"I don't know..."

"Could I see him?"

He nodded and pointed to a room across the hall. "It's right there, room 205. Just go ahead."

I smiled at him as much as I could manage, and I headed towards his room. My legs felt like Jell-O and it seemed like my knees could give at any minute.

I stopped dead in my tracks when I stepped into the room. I saw him there, hooked up to machines and I could hear the heart monitor beeping every few seconds. There he was, weak and vulnerable, and it brought back terrible memories of when my dad was sick. Seeing someone who is usually so strong, so weak, makes you feel weak too.

I sat down in the chair next to the bed, and tried to calm my nerves a bit before I started talking.

"Hey Joe." My voice came out shaky. "How have things been for you? You know, before the whole car crash thing?"

I knew there'd be no response to that, and I felt kind of silly for talking to someone who didn't talk back. But there were things I needed him to know, things I needed to get out. Whether he could hear me or not.

"'Cause things haven't been so great with me. I've missed you. So bad that it hurts sometimes. But I'm sure you've forgotten all about me by now, what with the girls who you have bowing at your feet...

"I know that I hurt you by leaving, but it was what was best. Or at least, that's what I thought until I actually lived it. Turns out, it kind of sucked.

"And you've gotta get through this, Joe. I know you can do it if you just try. Please." I begged as tears welled up in my eyes. "Joe, if you're listening to me, please stay alive. I can't..." My voice broke.

"I can't stand to lose you. I can't stand to lose anyone else that I..." My words got stuck.

"Anyone else that I love." I pulled out the little piece of paper from the envelope I opened months ago and stared down at it.

"It's from my dad," I said. "It's nothing really, but it meant everything to me. It really got me through some times that weren't that great...I hope it gives you some strength to fight, 'cause you gotta fight for your life. You have to do this for me."

Tears streamed down my face as I placed the letter on the nightstand that was also next to the bed, but not before reading it one last time:

_Hold on kiddo.  
Love,  
Dad. _

Then I leaned in and whispered softly in his ear, "I love you Joe."

"I didn't realize you felt that way."

I jumped a little. "Kevin, you scared me."I wondered how much he heard as I saw him standing in the doorway.

"I'm sorry," he said, and he meant it.

"It's okay. I'll be fine."

"Will you?" Right then, I was sure he had heard it all.

"Honestly...I'm not so sure."

He came over closer to me. "You know what? I think you both will," he reassured. "At least, I hope so."

"Me, too," I said, but I was referring more to Joe.

"He was leaving to see you. Nick didn't want to tell you, because he thought you'd be hard on yourself. But I think you deserve to know."

"Great," I said bitterly. "Once again, I am the reason someone gets hurt." A few more tears streamed down my face.

"Makenzie," Kevin said as he put both of his hands on my shoulder and looked me straight in the eyes. "I don't know how many times I have to say this to get it through your head. You aren't the one to blame here. That drunk driver is."  
"Kevin..." I whispered as I buried my head in his chest for comfort. "I'm so sorry, really I am."

"I know," he whispered. "I know."

Kevin never seized to amaze me. Even after I cheated on him with his brother and even after all the stuff he heard me say to him now, he could still find it in his heart to forgive me and try to make me feel better.

"How are you?" I asked, lifting my head off of his chest.

"I'm doing alright." he replied, and I believed it. "The first couple months were rough, especially when Joe and I were on tour and I hated his guts. But now everything's okay."

"Good."

"But Joe still isn't. He hasn't been himself since you left, as much as he tries to hide it. He's hurting bad, Kenzie, don't think that he's not."

Yep. Now I was positive he heard the whole thing.

Visiting hours are over," I heard the nurse say. "You have to leave now."

Kevin and I looked at each other and then at Joe. I don't think any of us wanted to leave.

"We could always camp out in the waiting room..." I suggested.

"Sounds good," he replied.

So we (and that included all the Jonas') slept in the waiting room with the uncomfortable chairs, just waiting for morning and praying that Joe would be okay.

Just the thought of him dying killed me, and every time I closed my eyes, I saw him...

But that wasn't anything new.


	38. Take A Breath

**The next chapter after this one is the final chapter, everyone **

I flickered my eyes open, walked over to Joe's room and what I saw was a nightmare.

I must still be dreaming, I thought. What I'm seeing isn't really happening.

The beeping of monitors were going off in my ear and giving me a headache. There were nurses and doctors just rushing into his rooms and they just looked like blurs to me; everyone did. The world was moving slower and slower and I wasn't moving at all.

I felt somebody pull me out of the way and when I turned around, I realized it was Kevin, his eyes as scared as mine probably looked.

I could barely choke out, "W-what's going on?"

"I don't know," he whispered. "One minute he was fine and the next..."

I looked over at Joe's room, my feet suddenly moving on their own as I walked over there.

"Joe, you can't die," I pleaded softly.

"Who are you? Someone get her out!" One of the doctors yelled impatiently as I tried moving closer.

A nurse grabbed my arm. "No," I said, my voice determined. "You don't understand."

"Please sweetie, you need to leave so we can help -"

"_I_ can help! I have to help...Joe this is all my fault."

The nurse looked at me sympathetically with her warm brown eyes and I focused my attention on the people rushing around Joe.

"He can't die," I told her. "He can't. I can't lose him. I can't lose anyone else."

"Hon, you have to leave, I'm sorry."

"Please..." I begged. "_ Please _let me stay. I need to..." I didn't even know how to finish that sentence.

"We're losing him!" I heard someone yelling as they pounded on his chest.

"No...you aren't. Y-you have to do something! Anything!" I begged the nurse.

She gave me that look again. "You really should go," she said patiently, "it's not good for you to be here seeing this."

"Joe damnit, you can't quit on me now!" I screamed.

"I said to get her out of here Erin!"

"I'm sorry!" she answered back.

I pushed through the people and stood at the foot of the bed. "Joe, come on. I tell you I love you and you die on me? That's not fair."

Not that I was the one to talk about being fair.

The nurse Erin grabbed my arm again, gently pulling me away.

This time, I didn't fight, but I whispered, "Please," one last time before I left the room.

"Could you try and keep her out of there please?" I heard her whisper to Kevin. "I know she's upset...but she isn't helping with the chaos in there."

Kevin nodded and she slipped back in the room.

"Kevin, I -"

"Shh," he said. "I know." Then he took me in his arms and hugged me tight. I hugged back just as hard and when I looked up at his eyes, I noticed he'd been crying, so I hugged him even more.

When I lifted my head, I saw Mr. Jonas who held a sobbing Denise, and Nick was trying so hard not to cry; I could see it.

I walked over to Nick as soon as I let go of Kevin. "Hey," I said, my voice raspy.

"Hey," he replied, his voice higher than usual.

We stood there for a minute and I took a look at the boy who I considered my little brother. "Oh, come here," I said as I took him in a hug

.  
Just like that, he was crying. Not hard, but I could feel him shake and hear him sniffle every so often.

It was about time I helped one of them instead of hurting them.

Nick wiped his eyes quickly as he let go and he muttered a quick, "Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

I pretty much collapsed on a waiting room chair; my legs were suddenly giving way on me. I looked over anxiously at Joe's room. Please, I whispered consistently. Please.

I put my head in my hands and I waited just like that, for as long as it took for them to save Joe.

But I was dead sure that he wouldn't make it. I needed him, so he wouldn't make it. It was how it went; I needed my mom, and she left me. I needed my dad and he died. That's how my life worked and I was used to it...

I just wish it wasn't like that anymore.


	39. Author's Note: Wanna read a fanfic?

**Sorry about the author's note; I forgot to put this in my other chapter and I'm too lazy to just replace it...**

**Anyway, I just thought I'd let anyone who's interested know that I'll be posting my second fanfic very, very soon. It's not like Beautful Disaster, there are no love triangles involved, but it's actually kinda sad... A bit draggy for a while, but others who read it said in the end, it fit perfectly together.**

**You can read it if you want to, or not, I'm not going to force you to read it or be mad at you or something. Just thought I'd let you all know.**

**All right then, thanks for reading this, and thanks for reading my fanfic, too. The reviews have been amazing and I really appreciated them! **

**Thanks again! Later... :)**


	40. Learning To Fall: Final Chapter

**Alas, tis the end of Beautiful Disaster... :( But it's not the end of my writing :) Don't forget about my other fanfic, though if you thought this was sad, you might not wanna read it...I hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as I loved to write it...Thanks again for the awesome reviews! **

I decided to go for a walk instead of waiting in that stuffy room. They had trucked Joe off into a surgery about an hour before; some medical babble. I just knew it had to do with his heart.

I had called Ayden, telling him everything that happened and that he should call Kevin's phone if he needs anything.

The second I stepped outside, I felt a little bit of the world lift off my shoulders; something about that spring air that could always make me feel better. Too bad it couldn't just magically make everything better again.

My eyes were dry and I was sure they were wicked red; I think I finally cried myself out. I lay down on the grass and watched the sun that was still rising.

As I was lying in the wet grass, I couldn't help but think about everything that had happened over the past year. About that first night at the club, about the first time I locked eyes with Joe, the first everything. It all felt like it happened so fast, and now it felt like it was ending twice as fast. I didn't want the good things that happened to end. It couldn't. The good things were what got me through the hardest times. It was the bad stuff that could go away. No more breaking hearts, no more Mom…Just no more.

I was in such a zone that I didn't notice Kevin lying right next to me until he spoke and almost gave me a heart attack.

"Can you believe it?" he said. "I never thought Joe would ever have a lack of life in him." He saw me jump. "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I just wanted to be sure you were okay."

"It's fine," I said weakly, my voice a little raspy. Then I asked the question that was burning in me to ask him. "How can you be so nice to me? I mean, after all you heard me say to Joe, and after all that I did to you. I don't understand…"

He shrugged. "I guess I just want you to be happy, that's all. I mean, I still do care about you."

"Oh," I said, but I was a little absent-minded.

"But I have a girlfriend now, so don't think that I'm still in love with you or something," he said quickly.

I smirked. "A girlfriend, huh?" I asked curiously.

He smiled too. "Yep."

"Well, what's her name?" I asked.

"Layna. I met her at a meet and greet a while back when we were dating. She came to another one a couple months after we broke up and asked me why I didn't use the number she gave me the first time. Anyway, now we're sort of together."

"That's great Kevin," I said, and I really meant it. "I'm happy for you."

"Thanks," he said, still smiling. "I haven't been this happy since…Well, you know."

"Yeah…Sorry about that," I said again.

He laughed. "How many times do I have to tell you not to worry about it anymore? I'm okay now. I mean, sure I hated you for a little while, and I wasn't so fond of Joe either. But I'm good now. Everything's okay. Or at least, it was until yesterday."

I felt the lump form in my throat again as I tried to speak. "He'll be okay right?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "God, I hope so," he said, looking up at the sky.

"Me, too," I replied softly.

Just then, Kevin's cell phone ringing broke the silence. "Hello?" he said. "Just a second," he said before handing it off to me.

"Hello?"

"Makenzie, you aren't going to believe this."

"Ayden?"

"Yeah, now listen. You know the drunk driver who ran into Joe?" he asked, not being too careful about what he was saying or who he was saying it to.

"Yeah," I said, partly annoyed. "What about him?"

"It wasn't just him in the car. There was someone else."

"Okay?" I said, still having no idea what was going on. "Care to elaborate?"

"Mom was with him. It was her husband that was drunk driving."

My eyebrows raised. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah. I got a phone call about it."

"Is she alive?" I asked. I didn't know what I even wanted the answer to be to that question.

He swallowed. "No, Makkie. She isn't. Her body was so horrible they couldn't identify who it was until now."

"Huh," was all I could say.

"I just thought you might need to know that."

"Okay."

There was a silence between both of our sides. "I'll see you later Ayden," I finally said.

"Alright. Bye."

I hung up. Why did he have to tell me all this now? Why did he think I'd want to know that I've lost someone else? Sure, my mom wasn't someone I was close to, but it was still someone else to lose. And why'd he have to say 'bye' at the end? He should know I hate that.

"Makenzie?" Kevin asked, shaking me a little. "Makenzie, are you okay?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah I'm fine," I said. "My mom's dead," I said as if it happened every day. "She was in the car with the drunk driver that hit Joe."

"Oh," he said, surprised. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine," I said plainly. "It's not like I was close to her or anything."

"Yeah, but…I'm just saying that it has to be hard on you to lose someone the same day you're worried about losing someone else."

I sat up. "Wanna go back in?" I asked. I didn't want to talk about this right now. "Maybe he's out of surgery now."

"Sure," he said, taking the hint.

We walked back in silence and then just as quickly as the world lifted off my shoulders on my way out, it came hurtling down on them again. I really did hate hospitals.

"Anything?" Kevin asked his parents as we approached them, and they both shook their heads.

I felt weird being near his parents. I was afraid that they hated me for what I did to their sons. But Mrs. Jonas just took me in a hug and I could hear her trying not to cry.

"I just want you to know that I don't hate you for anything that happened," she whispered. Jeez, did this family _always _know what I was thinking?

"Thank you," I said back. "And I'm still sorry about everything."

"Don't worry about it," she said as she let go.

I smiled at her a little, and I went to sit down.

But sitting was pointless because not even six seconds later, the doctor came out. I sat up quickly, and all the Jonas' went towards the doctor with hopeful faces and me lagging behind them, just hoping…

I couldn't read the doctor's face at all; it was impossible to tell.

"How is he?" Mr. Jonas asked for all of us. "He's okay right?"

"Your son lost a lot of blood, and there was a lot of damage to his heart."

I hated doctors; they always had to tell you everything that happened first. They couldn't just answer the freaking question straight on.

"But is he okay?" Mr. Jonas asked. I could tell he was no more patient than I was about that sort of thing.

He cleared his throat. "Yes, Joseph will be just fine." All of us sighed in relief. "He's still a bit drowsy from the anesthesia, but you can go see him, one at a time anyway, if you'd like."

Mrs. Jonas went first, followed by Mr. Jonas, Nick, and Kevin, as I waited as patiently as I could for my turn. I couldn't believe he was alright. For the first time in a while, someone wasn't taken away, but given back to me. A new sort of hope washed over me as I thought more and more about it. Maybe the world wasn't such an unfair place after all.

Kevin came out of his room, laughing a little. "Yep. He's still the same old Joe." He smiled at me. "He's asking for you."

I got out of my chair and moved towards Joe's room, every step feeling so small; but I was scared.

When I saw his face, smiling up at me and holding the piece of paper I had given to him earlier for luck, the scared feeling went away, and was replaced with a much lighter feeling; I felt like I could finally breathe.

"Hey Kenz," he said weakly.

"Hey." I smiled. "How are you feeling?" Once again with that dumb question, I thought.

"I've been better," he laughed.

I cleared my throat. "So…"

"So…" Joe said, mimicking me, "how are _you_ feeling?"

"Honestly?"

"Yeah. Honestly."

I cleared my throat. "To tell the truth, I haven't been doing so great," I admitted. "I mean, it's not like I've done anything bad; I just haven't really done anything period."

"You know you can come closer to me. I don't bite," Joe said, and I realized that I had been standing in the doorway the whole time.

I moved closer to his bed, and sat down by the chair. "I see you got the note," I whispered as I pointed to the paper in his hands.

"Yep," was all he said.

"Did you hear anything I said yesterday?" I asked. "You probably didn't…it's just…I'm curious."

He grinned at me, giving me butterflies. "Believe it or not, I think I did." He grabbed my hand. "I don't really remember anything after the crash, but I had a sort of déjà vu-like feeling when Kevin was talking to me about it."

"Kevin told you?" I said, and I felt a little embarrassed about it.

"Just that you went to talk to me." His face got serious for a minute. "I could remember hearing what you said to me when I was…Well, you know…"

"How?" It didn't seem possible that he could actually hear what I said, especially not in the state he was in.

"I don't really know," he said truthfully. "But I have this gut feeling that I heard you."

He was putting it all on faith, I decided. He wanted to believe he heard me, so he did. Just like that. I wish I could do that so easily.

"And yet, after all that you heard, you still scare us all to death," I joked.

"What can I say? I'm not a very good listener sometimes."

"I'm sorry," I blurted out. "Kevin told me about how you were doing when I was gone. I didn't mean to…I thought it was what was best for everyone. Turns out, it made everyone miserable."

"That's not true," he replied. "Kevin's doing really well now."

"But you aren't," I said. "Look at you."

"You're here now aren't you? That's all I need." He squeezed my hand. "Makenzie, I wanted to see you; that's all I really needed. And sure, I got in a little accident along the way, but I'm seeing you now aren't I?"

"But you wound up putting yourself in danger -"

"Danger is living," he said simply.

"Danger is stupid," I retorted.

"Maybe it is…But I don't care. I'm willing to risk everything for you."

I couldn't help but smile.

"Excuse me," the nurse, Erin, said as she peeked her head in through the door, "I'm sorry, but visiting hours are over."

Reluctantly, I got out of the chair and started to head out the door, but Joe's voice stopped me.

"Hey Makenzie?" he said quietly.

I turned around. "Yeah?"

He grinned in that way again, making my stomach do back flips. "I love you, too."

I smiled back at him. Maybe I could trust faith a little bit after all.

__

Two months later…

"I can't believe we're doing this," I said in awe. I looked down, and I mean way down, at the water whooshing right under the bridge. This couldn't be safe.

"Relax. It's just bungee jumping," Joe said nonchalantly; like it was something he did all the time.

"Did I mention that I'm a bit afraid of heights? And, you know, breaking my neck."

He laughed at me a little. "Trust me. It'll be fine," he reassured. "Have a little faith, okay?"

I nodded, but I was still petrified. "Okay," I said slowly. "Let's do this."

He grabbed my hand, and I held onto his tightly. "On the count of three." he said. "One…"

Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm doing this, I thought.

"Two…"

I've never been more scared in my life.

"Three!"

And just like that, we jumped off into the unknown, learning how to fall without a safety net to cushion the blow.

All you need is a little faith for that first jump.

Now _this _is living.

**Psh, you didn't think I'd really let it end with Joe gone now did you? ;)**

**Reviews for the last time...? :)**


End file.
